UTMC

Have you ever taken a hard look at yourself and wondered what the fuck you did to deserve how fucked up your life has turned out?

Three years ago I finally decided to leave my wife of 10 years. A woman I should have never married, but did anyhow most likely due to my own emotional issues. I would never have been able to leave had I not attended over two years of therapy and worked out my chronic depression and self esteem problems.

Prior to the split I had spent many hours at work, avoiding the frequent arguments and confrontations with my wife. The casualty of this time away from home was my relationship with my beautiful daughter. Something in hindsight I would regret very much.

My job was a good one with a six figure salary, one that allowed my then wife to stay at home while I went off to work. Upon leaving I continued to pay all the household bills and paid my living expenses from a loan I had taken from my 401k. I wanted to give my soon to be ex-wife the opportunity to get back on her feet and find a job. After almost a year it was obvious she had no intention of finding a job and I slowly started to cut off the money. I asked my attorney to calculate what the court would give for support and I would pay her that amount. She was not agreeable and filed with Domestic Relations as is her right.

To make a really long story short, she ended up being awarded both spousal and child support in excess of 60% of my pay plus another $100/week in money for extra curricular activities my daughter attends and 80% of all Doctors bills. My daughter was also being home schooled and I was ordered to pay for that, which amounted to over $2500/year in books and materials. The really funny part is she felt I should also have to pay for dog food for my daughters pet. In the end she felt this wasn’t enough and she was getting screwed. This after the sum of all she was ordered to receive was in excess of $3000/month.

After the order was issued by the court my wages were garnished. The problem was, the company I work for wont take out more than 55% of my pay. I guess they figure I should have a means to put a roof over my head, be able to put a little food in my belly, and gas in my car to get to work. So, I am immediately in contempt an am not complying with the order. Can you see where this is leading?

So a few months go by and I am getting deeper and deeper in arrears. I've gotten a new attorney by now because I can see my first one was an incompetent boob. As soon as my new attorney starts looking into things he knows something is seriously wrong and I am paying way too much. Before he can do anything my Ex files that I am in contempt. Domestic Relations tells me to come up with $6000 or I have to go in front of the judge. I don’t have that kind of money, I've been scraping by for months now and have burned through what little bit of saving I have in attorneys fees and just living.

So, after several hearings it is determined that a mistake was made and I was paying more support than the law allows. I am still in arrears by several thousand dollars, but the judge tells me to pay $600 and $100/month and everything will be cool. I sell a bunch of stuff on Craigslist and pay the $600. Having paid the money my attorney and I thought everything would go well at the next appearance before the judge. I couldn’t be more wrong.

We go to court and the judge looks like he needs a binky. I tell him I paid the $600, and then the Ex gets up and just starts complaining about how poor she is. How she doesn’t have enough money and I'm rolling big fatties with $100 bills. Next thing out of his mouth is to put me in county for 60 days. They throw the cuffs on me and drag me into lock up with the guys who could truly care less about their kids. I'm sitting there thinking "I can't believe this shit!!!" I'm paying thousands of dollars a month, and get thrown in fucking jail. I never once complained about paying support. I have a problem with the amount I'm paying, but I'm not against supporting my daughter by any means.

It really burns my ass that my Ex doesn’t even have a job, yet I get thrown in jail when I'm willingly paying support. So I'm sitting there wondering if anyone is going to bail me out, because I don't have the means to do it. Luckily my girlfriend came with me to court. She's the only good thing that's happened to me in the last couple of years and this whole situation has put a real strain on our relationship. She comes up with the $2000 to get me out just in time. It was late in the afternoon on a Friday, had she taken 15 minutes longer to get there with the cash I would have been there all weekend.

So at this point I'm broke, my daughter barely speaks to me because of the brainwashing my ex has done to her, it's almost three years in and I can't seem to get this divorce over, and my wonderful girlfriend is getting fed up with all the drama.

I keep looking back and wondering what the hell I did deserve all this. Yeah I made some poor choices, but really, when is it going to all end?

I'm not really looking for sympathy on this. Just something I needed to get off my chest.

E.J., I don't really know what to say, but our thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. I hope you can find a clear way through all this crap. Take care.

Jonny wrote:E.J., I don't really know what to say, but our thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. I hope you can find a clear way through all this crap. Take care.

+1

Holy fuck, that is literally my worst nightmare. Good job on keeping your chin up so far and good luck with what's ahead.

This scenario is one of the main reasons why I never married or had kids (also, what woman in her right mind would chain herself to me forever??)

I'm the youngest in my family, and I've watched everyone in my family get married & divorced, married & divorced, and the kids always get screwed up.

I hope your situation improves soon, I'm sure your daughter will eventually come around when she's old enough to understand the complexities of these matters...

guitargeek wrote:I'm the youngest in my family, and I've watched everyone in my family get married & divorced, married & divorced, and the kids always get screwed up.

I'm the youngest in my family also. I've watched both my sister and brother stay in unhealthy relationships just because of their kids and the security of their situations. It was one of the things that helped convince me to get out of my situation. I didn’t want to go on for decades being unhappy like they did. It seems like you see so very few really good relationships.

I just keep plugging along trying to get on with my life during this situation, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst along the way. It just frustrating when I keep trying to do the right thing and shit keeps going wrong.

Best wishes for you to come though this.

The only thing I have to say that may help, is to not ask "Why" this shit is happening. Shit just happens sometimes, and trying to make any sense of non-sensical shit only makes it worse.

All I can say is that eventually it will be over and you can move on. My friend got divorced from her cheating, psycho, white collar criminal husband when it became clear who he really was and what he did.

After 4 years of divorce proceedings, her getting sued by people her husband owed huge sums of money to, and his resulting criminal trial and conviction, it's all been over for some time and she moved on with her life.

You'll get there.

That is mind-boggling. It reads like a script from "The Fugitive", except you didn't kill anyone.
Best of luck. Here's some positive thoughts out to you----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How's that?

My thoughts go out to you Brothah, nobody should have to go through that kind of crap. For a long time I thought that there was no sensible reason for young atheists to get married, and even though I'm married I still feel that way. Half of the idea of marriage is that you will never change from the person you are, the other half is that you will change or abandon everything that your significant other dislikes. The whole idea of marriage is really absurd when you think about it, and it's bullshit that our society forces it on us so much, and that it's next to impossible to get out of without at least ruining a year or two of life.

Our justice system is screwed, and most of what comes out of it makes my head explode. I know that there's always two sides to every relationship, but screw her side, what a bitch. As far as I can tell you didn't do anything to deserve this. We all have our mistakes and make bad calls sometimes, but it sounds like you were trying to do the responsible thing and still got fucked.

As hard as it is, try not to think about the money that's going out, and the bullshit she's trying to shove your way. All of the hell she's putting you through sounds like proof that getting out was the right thing to do. In time you'll be rid of her, and your daughter will forgive you for whatever you may have done and see the truth through all the crap that is being drilled into her head. Hang in there, we're here for you.

stiles wrote:All I can say is that eventually it will be over and you can move on.

Or, it may never be over. There is nothing stopping you wife from filing anything with the court, no matter how ridiculous.
You need to have a sit down with you lawyer. Fucker let you go to jail! Tell him exactly what you want and tell him you want it NOW. He should be burying you wife in legal bullshit, so much that she'll beg you to get the divoprce over. There is no reason any divorce should take a year or more, the problem is, once it's over the lawyers stop getting paid. Divorce is an industry that pays the bills of lawyers, judges, sheriffs officers, court clerks, etc. etc. Your paying, get what you want.

Time to disappear.

guitargeek wrote:This scenario is one of the main reasons why I never married or had kids.

Ditto.

I've seen too many friends go through it.

Though, I would like to be married someday. But you better believe there'll be a prenup!

guitargeek wrote: I hope your situation improves soon, I'm sure your daughter will eventually come around when she's old enough to understand the complexities of these matters...

This.


There's light at the end of the tunnel EJ, you just gotta hold on for the ride.

Metalredneck wrote:Time to disappear.

Tempting, but no. Fighting the good fight on this one isn't so much about yourself, but your daughter. When times are dark, and they will be, remind yourself of what factor and influence you not only play but PLAN ON PLAYING in your daughter's life. I never fought against my ex-wife so much as I fought FOR my kids. The rest is easy.

Aw, man! Yeah, was wondering where you been -- sorry to hear you've been getting jerked around like that!

Remember, it's a court of law, not justice -- you'll be hard pressed to find justice in court.

Good luck! If we ever get together the first few rounds are on me!

--Jaeger

I have been thinking about this post all day and I am a little worked up about it. I am sure I am bound to say something to piss someone off but I wouldn't be me unless I said it.

IMHO...

You should learn how to pick better women and better lawyers.

Let's talk about the type of women/men we choose to date:

It is a choice. We are not paired up with the people we choose to fuck through a government line. Arranged marriages are not very common any more either, especially here in the united states... so the choice is fully ours.

Figure out what you want in a woman and go find it. I am fairly certain there is a woman who has most of the qualities you are looking for. Go find her and don't settle for less.

Not all women are created equal. Some of them, as with men, suck. They lack the ability to think for themselves. In a sense, these folks are still children. These people should be ignored and eventually they will die off.

What kind of woman allows her man to work while she stays at home sitting on her ass jobless? I know... A woman who thinks she is a 15 yr old and daddy is still taking care of her.

The only acceptable time a partner in a relationship should be jobless is if they were recently fired and are looking for a job, handicapped or the first five months at home with a newborn.

I have two jobs and I am a student.
Fuck her for being a shitty woman and so fucking lazy. Women like these fuck the men I like and screw them over... leaving me with baggage/insecurities I really don't want to deal with.

Even if my husband made a billion dollars and wanted me to stay at home, I would still have a "job" at a nonprofit or at a business I created, or volunteering a chunk of my time. It is unacceptable to not be a contributing member in society.

A partnership is just that... a relationship between two people. If one is carrying ALL the weight... they are a babysitter not a partner.

Granted there are relationships that are not equal in all areas. For example, Susan makes $80,000 a year and Bob makes $24,000, while he is finishing his masters. IMO, Bob should not have to pay equal in the relationship because he is paying for school and he makes considerably less than susan. He should have to contribute but it is impossible for him to pay half and have the two of them live equally. Even in situations like this there should be a level of fairness.

Same goes for those in a partnerships which decide one of the partners should stay home and raise a kid. If susan and bob decide that susan should stay home the first six months with their newborn, then susan should do other things around the house while bob is at work, such as cleaning, cooking and running light errands. Unless you decide to have eight kids, there really is no reason why one partner should stay at home indefinitely while the child grows up and is in school.

I suppose I should be fair about this post... fuck you for enabling her all those years. You are as responsible for this mess as she is.

On the topic of marriage:
I have met people in marriages that should have never dated their partner, let alone got married. Same goes for kids, most people should not have them, as they are too immature and dumb to be raising another human.

*edited shit that was not really directed at this discussion but at my current frustrations

I suggest you figure out what you want and chase after tail that follows suit.


On the topic of lawyers:
If they are not on the same page as you, get rid of them and hire a new one.
The law favors women and is flawed... find a lawyer to work the system in your favor.


Finally... a tiny piece of advice:

Even though this experience has fucked you in the ass sideways, don't hold onto it.
Let it go.
Learn, release, and live.

Chin up... things will eventually change.

Ditto to pretty much everything EV said above. That said, finding such a suitable, available woman within a reasonable dating distance isn't easy - at least it's never been easy for me.

Wow, EJ. You and my husband need to go have a beer while your girlfriend and I toss one back ourselves. Knowing about your situation based only on what you've said here in the post, anything I say will be speculation. From my personal experience, my husband and I keep hanging on to the hope that the kids will grow and learn and discover and realize for themselves who their mom is for what she is. Until then, all we can do is focus on them, continue to love them and provide our support for them and each other as we deal with the hiccups (yours are more like hernias from the sounds of it) that come up. Take the moral high ground with your daughter (don't badmouth mom) and let her know you love her and are doing everything you can for her. Just keep repeating.

On a side note, I also sympathize because it wasn't until I met my now husband that I realized just how skewed and fucked up the (NOT justice - it's something completely different) system is for divorced fathers who are trying to do right by their court-mandated obligations and for their children and their new lives. Fight the good and honest fight, sir. You will prevail.

Sweet fancy Moses EJ! I am so sorry to hear that. That is truly one fucked up situation.

Please remember that N8 and I do live not too far away, and if you ever want to come over for a beer, or two, or five, please feel free to come over and rant. Nate has been in similar situation in the past, though not nearly as bad, and I'm sure he will commiserate with you.

And I can surely commiserate with your girlfriend and give her the encouragement to hang in there. It hasn't been easy for me at times either (with Nate's ex drama).

We are here for you.

rhinoviper wrote:On a side note, I also sympathize because it wasn't until I met my now husband that I realized just how skewed and fucked up the (NOT justice - it's something completely different) system is for divorced fathers who are trying to do right by their court-mandated obligations and for their children and their new lives.

+1,000 - I never would have believed this myself unless I had watched Nate go through this first hand with his son. I have finally gotten past the point of being pissed off at his son's mom and the court system that she has so skillfully manipulated over the years. I no longer have the energy to get upset about it.
I thank dog that Nate was able to get full custody of his daughter, whom I am now raising together with Nate. But still, the drama with her mother is ridiculous.

I think you, your husband, EJ, his girlfirend, Nate, and I should not only go drinking, but I think we officially have enough people to form a bowling team.

ej.. fucking owwww. I'm so sorry you are being fucked over like this. I also have an ex and a daughter that doesn't speak to me because she has drank her mom's koolaid, and I have been close to the kind of peril that you are experiencing. Peace, strength and endurance. And maybe a well directed meteor.

So this is pretty heavy shit going on here.

Eric,
for 11 years I've heard, "why do you let her do this?" or, "Why don't you do something about it?" and my most favorite, "Why aren't you angry?"
and the only answer I have is that no matter what I do, no matter how angry I get, or what I say to her, the judge or anybody else for that matter, the bottom line is I'm still going to have to deal with the situation.
So I have always just shed my tears alone, put on my best poker face in the presence of others and eat all those feelings of hatred, angst whatever you want to call them.

My situation is a little different, but equally as frustrating.
In short, I've been paying child support for 17 years voluntarily.
My "sons" mother has repeatedly told both he and I that I am not his father over the years. She's has lived out of the country while collecting welfare here fraudulently, and everytime I have fought for visitation I have been denied. At one point I was even told by the judge that I was the"worst type of absent father, one who only cared about money." Which of course is not true.
All I wanted was a DNA test and no courts will even here the matter because it's been 17 years. I am the "assumed parent" (yes, thats a legal term).

Nothing would change other than the peace of mind that would come knowing that he IS my son.
Or if not then at least he should have the right to know who his real father is, if for nothing else a medical history.

Anyway, back to you,

as Denise said, we are right down the road. Beer is always cold, breakfast is always served and friends are always welcomed with open hearts, arms and doors.

I'm thinking we need to form the UTMC Divorce Casualty Club. Who wants to design the patch?

Ames wrote:I'm thinking we need to form the UTMC Divorce Casualty Club. Who wants to design the patch?

You really want a patch that reads 'kick me' that bad, I guess I could see what I can do

EJ, don't let the filth get you down man.

Eros, damn, I don't necessarily disagree with everything you wrote, but that was cold like pluto.

/RM

Ames wrote:I'm thinking we need to form the UTMC Divorce Casualty Club. Who wants to design the patch?

Yeah, but to be in the club you wouldn't be able to afford one.

The Monday morning quarterback in me would tell you that a rock-solid prenuptial contract with a no-alimony or post-divorce support clause is an important part of marriage. But that's no help at this point.

Hang in there, EJ.

roadmissile wrote: Eros, damn, I don't necessarily disagree with everything you wrote, but that was cold like pluto.

/RM

no shit.

EJ, being a young guy with an absent father who rarely paid child support for me or my sister, and now that I'm 21 I don't even speak to anymore...I can say that what you're doing is honorable, and the fact that you obviously care considerably is admirable. hang in there, I hope that things will work out for the best.

As a product of a truly effed up marriage, long ago with long battles over child support payments. The only bright spot I can shine on your situation is that after thirty years (and counting) of listening to my mom constantly bitch, complain, and work derogatory comments about my (now 70+ year old) dad into every conversation I can say (and could say for the last twenty years) that he is a good man and did what he could for me and my brother while never saying any unkind words about my mom. Back when I was younger I only got to see him one weekend a month and a couple weeks in the summer.
Now and for many, many years I see may dad a couple times a week. We work on cars and bikes together. Anytime in the last twenty years that I have actually needed help (there have been several, both financially and situation based) he has always gone above and beyond while my mom has just felt really bad that she couldn't help.
The point I'm trying to make is that the brainwashing your ex is trying to do will likely backfire in time. If you fight the good fight, your daughter ( I didn't catch her age) may see through the crap your ex is spouting and eventually recognize that you are doing everything you can. It took me until I was about 15.

as a divorced mother left holding the bag when the douche left us...

it took 10 years but the douche has finally alienated every single one of his kids. my job? was to stay quiet and just do the best i could do waiting for that day. and let me tell you it was still a bitch when it came, merely because at that point there were no more happy memories for them that were not tainted by his cruelty to each of them.

can i have a patch too? i will never marry again. and i am so scarred i may never actively seek someone to date again either, no matter how lonely i am. and i am. very.


and EV that was not only cold, it was discounting the very real fact that these douches are quite capable of hiding their true selves for years, especially easily when someone has to be out of the house working at least 40 hours each week. the more time you get to spend with the person the quicker the facades fall.

I hope things get better fast... I have 2 kids with my ex (whom I refer to as the jack-ass.) We divorced about 6 years ago. I don't badmouth him in front of my daughters who are now 15 and 17. They have come to see the jackass he is on their own terms. Still painful for them, but hopefully more healthy. I have sat back and given them my love and support. On the other hand the jackass has had plenty to say about AZ and I. The girls have never respected that. I can only hope that the bad example he sets for himself will be balanced by the wonderful example AZ has set of what a man can be. The type of crap the ex is pulling will only hurt your daughter in the end. I respect you for fighting for her and she will eventually see through the ex's bullshit and respect you for it, too.
Best of luck and hang in there.