UTMC

OK, let's firstable understand that my mind was inder the influence--things were shifty to begin with. It was 1 a.m. My brane was numb. Then I had to go and get the cat in, so I go to the screen door, and sitting on the inside of the screen was a fucking black widow, and her ass was a s big as my thumb was when I smashed it with a hammer last summer, and all I could say was ofuckofuckofuckofuck. But unlike Zim, who would have run upstairs, put his skirt back on and screamed for help, I manned up and put on my UTMC codpiece and got a big Ironman cup, and approached the bitch all stealth-like, , all rerady to trap the fucker, then realized, great, so I trap it in the cup, then what? I'll be standing there all night holding a cup to the screen, cat'll pass by saying what the fuck? and then seven hours later the boys will wake up expecting waffles, instead they see their Pops in his UTMC codpeice holding a cup to the screen because what if the bitch is right on the edge of the cup ready to jump me when I move the cup away from ythe screen?

Gotta change my tactics. Go outside and slap it off the screen with a shoe? ((No, dumbasses, I'm not smashing it; the force to kill her would tear the screen offa the ferame.) So I go around back, and when I get there, I realize it's locked. Can't have any of that. I knock her off and she runs and hides somewhere in the house. No way. Fuck, come back in, and GAAAKKK! SHE'S GONE!!!! I’m cool. Fucking cooler than Shaft. Then there she is. Get a grip, you sauce-brained ninny. So I slowly open the screen, get a shoe and hold it on the outside odf the screen while I prepare to cover her with a cup, all set, Cool as all fuckout, when . . . she moves! And fast. Black widows may have fat asses, but they can fucking bolt. I trip her up and she falls in my cup, throw her on the flooor, and squash her with my wife’s shoe.



One cool motherfucker I am.

Then the next night after dinner, I finished bragging about all this whren I open the screen door and notice it’s getting stuck. We have mulch near the door, and some little sticks and stringy bark are stuck near the groove. I remove them, and see some more near the edge andf pullthem away, whrn one of the strings of bark starts moving and growing a fat fucking ass with a red hourglass shape on the bottioom. It all happened in a nanosecond and as I’m holding this thing by the leg she's spastically squirming and tries to bite me but gets my thumbnail as I try to shake her off in the backyard, but the shake doesn’t work, she’s holding on, then off she flies, but comes floating back to my leg like a yo yo because of the damn web she 's hanging from, I move my leg out of the way, and she lands. On the fucking screen door where she sprints for the edge (leading into my house) and I take my wife’s shoe and smash the fuck out of that demonspawn miodstride, leaving a 4 inch-long dirty, black-specked dirty red/brown gooey skidmark down the screen, six feet away from where my lloving family finished their pasta only 15 minutes ago.

There was only one thing I could do at thast momnent: medication.

I feel fai... WHUMP

And Fuck You with your little skirt comment.

I've never taken it off to begin with

When you finally break off and float into the Pacific, take all those bugs with you.

Kill them with fire! I've been known to leave walls filled with holes trying to kill the little fuckers. KILL KILL KILL!!!!

Having grown up with them in damned near every house I've lived in, they don't really bother me too much anymore.

As a matter of fact, there's one nesting on the front of my house that I forgot to kill the other day... I should probably go smash it before it breeds a shitload more of the things.

Of course, I could also leave it, and see if all the baby black widows will kill the shit out of all the mice infesting our house right now...

WeAintFoundShit wrote:Of course, I could also leave it, and see if all the baby black widows will kill the shit out of all the mice infesting our house right now...

Okay, I've been known to occasionally play with spiders and let them walk all over my fingers, but I'd rather have my house infested with mice than those fuckers.




Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Beemer Dan wrote:Kill them with fire! I've been known to leave walls filled with holes trying to kill the little fuckers. KILL KILL KILL!!!!

i break out the chemical warfare for those fuckers and the brown recluses. and i generally like spiders.


fyi: to get rid of mice, sprinkle arm and hammer baking soda on the little paths, usually along the floorboards. safe for larger animals and kids, but deadly to mice as they lick it off their paws in their little hidey holes.

BackDoorBarbie wrote:

sun rat wrote:

Beemer Dan wrote:Kill them with fire! I've been known to leave walls filled with holes trying to kill the little fuckers. KILL KILL KILL!!!!

i break out the chemical warfare for those fuckers and the brown recluses. and i generally like spiders.


fyi: to get rid of mice, sprinkle arm and hammer baking soda on the little paths, usually along the floorboards. safe for larger animals and kids, but deadly to mice as they lick it off their paws in their little hidey holes.

wouldnt their rotting corpses make the inside of your wall stink?

you would think, but that wasn't my experience. it's possible that in their discomfort they head back outside where they originated from.

all i am certain of, is that it works, and they go away.

I've had dead mice inside the walls.

I like traps because the desired result is verifiable. A little gruesome, but...

sun rat wrote:and i generally like spiders

Eeeww! Damn them all to hell, sonofafuckingoddamnitall I hate the things. And they know it too, that's why they stalk me. Had one crawl around on the top of my bare foot as I sat at the computer one night. Ugh! Just last night I was getting in bed when I noticed a black spot at the top of the mattress where my pillows are. The evil creep even reared up when my wife came at it with a tissue.

Fine, it's true. I scream for help.

Best I've ever been able to do is invert a can of Dust Off (with a l--o--n--g straw) and freeze the shits, or use up 1.6 gallons of water to flush them, or, boot stomps are tough... I can't think about this anymore.

Good lord, my mother-in-law once squished and smeared one with her thumb. I almost blacked out.

Oh, and Zer0 sucks.

I fucking hate spiders, especially black widows. Thery're all over my property too. They're the reason I've never been in my attic. There's no light in there and I know that place is crawlin' with 'em.

I found one inside my screen door once. Grabbed a dead blow and let her have it.

Death blow to the black widow by a black dead blow hammer!


I don't usually like to kill things, but I ain't givin' her a chance to come back!

We have recluses here that get about this big -


My old shop was thick with them. The new one got thoroughly doused with chemical death before I moved any of my crap in. The only way to keep them out here is to kill every single bug they would eat so they have no reason to be there.

I've only ever seen two live black widows, and those were in the way back of barns we were tearing down that probably hadn't seen light of day for two decades minimum.

Eek!





--Jaeger

Oooh! I need some!

But the label would have to be removed first before I would touch that can.

motorpsycho67 wrote:I don't usually like to kill things, but I ain't givin' her a chance to come back!

I'm with you. We teach our boys not to kill things that can't hurt you, so we even let flies out, rather than smashing them. Bees and wasps hurt, but we don't kill them.

But with two boys and a cat, it's war on every fucking black widow and brown recluse. And lliving in the sorta-rural burbs, our place is crawling with the fuckers. One day last summer, my boys and I found 13 in one day--gave me thhe eeeks that day fo sho.

Did you read that, Zim, my good man, C R A W L I N G

And yes, mice over spiders anytime. We have lotsa mice around here too. My cat may be old with a broken leg, but he is a mouser.

Zim, come out here one summer. That'll man your ass up

You need some of these:
<a href="" title="metallicmuddauberdorsal by redneckfri13, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4120/481 ... 1240_b.jpg" width="500" height="590" alt="metallicmuddauberdorsal" /></a>
They feed on Black Widows. I see them around my house from time to time.

my girlfriend has butterfly phobia... so basically when she screams for help, all I have to do is push some tired lost butterfly off the house through the window and look heroic.

aha.

Years ago I knew a guy who worked at the local supermarket. One day he was stocking grapes in the produce section and found three or four black widow spiders amongst the grapes. He, instead of killing them, saw an opportunity.
He captured them in a stainless pan with saran-wrap on the top. Then he began calling pet shops seeing if they were interested in buying them. After being laughed at half a dozen times, he realized he had four live black widow spiders he had to dispose of, but he was too afraid to open the saran wrap.
Eventually the spiders began to eat each other until there was one left, which finally died in it's turn of starvation. He was pretty freaked out. I still give him shit over that when I see him and we have a good laugh.

When he was living in Vegas, my friend Wheeler had a Widow fall on his head when he put up the garage door, which promplty bit him. And then it was all 911 calls and ambulances racing to the scene. And then Wheeler went down and out came the paddles.

When I moved in with him a few months later I became part of the weekly "hunt the bitches down and kill" program. Those things love the desert.

In Santa Fe those fuckers are everywhere, in every log pile, under every outside chair, between every rock. The garage at my folks' house there was festooned with them. Never heard of anyone getting bit though. The thought of getting hit on the scalp or thumb is 'dont want to think about it' bad. They DO look all mellow in their webs, like they know they are cool; until they feel threatened, then serious ass-hauling. I think they have the ability to slow down time in their own reference frames as needed.

p.s. Greate Recluse pic in the thread! I have always had a problem finding pics of them with a scale. Tissue Necrosis FTW!

Metalredneck wrote:You need some of these:
<a href="" title="metallicmuddauberdorsal by redneckfri13, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4120/481 ... 1240_b.jpg" width="500" height="590" alt="metallicmuddauberdorsal" /></a>

Metallic Muddauber, huh?. Wow--never heard of them. Look at the fangs on that!!! Beautiful!

Not sure if we have them in our semi-arid bordering the desert area (which would explain the plethora of black widows here)

Might want to change any pics of spiders to links to of pics of spiders. Me and BlackJoe claim no liability if someone throws their laptop across the room.

What's the fun in that?

Sisyphus wrote:Years ago I knew a guy who worked at the local supermarket. One day he was stocking grapes in the produce section and found three or four black widow spiders amongst the grapes. He, instead of killing them, saw an opportunity.
He captured them in a stainless pan with saran-wrap on the top. Then he began calling pet shops seeing if they were interested in buying them. After being laughed at half a dozen times, he realized he had four live black widow spiders he had to dispose of, but he was too afraid to open the saran wrap.
Eventually the spiders began to eat each other until there was one left, which finally died in it's turn of starvation. He was pretty freaked out. I still give him shit over that when I see him and we have a good laugh.

Starved to death? I knew somebody that stuck a black widow in a pill bottle (sealed), where it lived for a year.

This side of the cascades, we don't get widows. Supposedly we get Brown Recluse, but I've never seen one.

East of the cascades, we have plenty of them, though I never worry that much about them. I always check outhouse toilet seats though (I high percentage of black widow bites are received by men . . . . guess where?) and never go through woodpiles without gloves. Plenty of scorpions too.

Rattlesnakes worry me more.

Beemer Dan wrote:Might want to change any pics of spiders to links to of pics of spiders. Me and BlackJoe claim no liability if someone throws their laptop across the room.

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Didn't SNL do "HEY, THERES' A SPIDER ON YOUR BACK" first though?????

Rabbit_Fighter wrote:Starved to death? I knew somebody that stuck a black widow in a pill bottle (sealed), where it lived for a year..

That's creepy

Rabbit_Fighter wrote:Rattlesnakes worry me more.

That simp[ly means you're normal, Wabbit. Tthe pucker facxtor of a Widow compared to a Rattlesnake is like compariing a flea bite to a Widow bite. About 15 years ago I was Mtn. biking and a rattler shot at me as I pedaled by (a couple others in froint of me must have gotten it all riled up) It hit my pedal (I think). I was pretty soupy for the rest of the ride.

A long time ago, an ex and myself lived in a basement with a shit ton of black widows. That was during my goth stage. They were our "pets."

He was convinced they would leave us alone if we left them alone. I was convinced they were going to eat me but... being a stupid girl in love... trusted his judgment.

I left him and the spiders. No spiders now... no, not ever.

I have been told that if a brown recluse bites you, immediately electrocute yourself in the spot where you get bit.
Thoughts?

Some old guy I know told me he was once bit and due to the electricity, didn't suffer from the skin rot commonly associated with this spider bite.

Toonce wrote:p.s. Greate Recluse pic in the thread! I have always had a problem finding pics of them with a scale. Tissue Necrosis FTW!

Not my pic, just stole it. I can do some hunting and get you some if you need them, but the ones I find now are smaller since we have them "under control" only about dime sized.
I've been bitten by one before on the ribs, and once on the calf. No big huge hunks of rotting flesh though. I believe that only happens if you let it fester for a long time (or don't stop picking). Could be the version we have here is less toxic. Regardless I have not heard of anyone here that had gotten a verified bite having more than a small scar.

+1 on the bugs that can seriously harm you die instantly line of thought.

When it comes to necrotic flesh, I wouldn't trust home remedies, get to the hospital!

Oh, and the first thing you should do if you are bit by any spider is to stomp that fucking bastard into the floor. I'm amazed those things don't have a genetic fear of shoes Oh, and black widows in outhouses? Yarr, another reason why I'm all about hotel rooms! I can't even imagine getting a black widow bite on the balls and trying to ride a few hundred miles the next day.

Beemer Dan wrote:I can't even imagine getting a black widow bite on the balls and trying to ride a few hundred miles the next day.

I could...

Bo_9 wrote:

Toonce wrote:p.s. Greate Recluse pic in the thread! I have always had a problem finding pics of them with a scale. Tissue Necrosis FTW!

Not my pic, just stole it. I can do some hunting and get you some if you need them, but the ones I find now are smaller since we have them "under control" only about dime sized.
I've been bitten by one before on the ribs, and once on the calf. No big huge hunks of rotting flesh though. I believe that only happens if you let it fester for a long time (or don't stop picking). Could be the version we have here is less toxic. Regardless I have not heard of anyone here that had gotten a verified bite having more than a small scar.

+1 on the bugs that can seriously harm you die instantly line of thought.

Two things i've heard about that... for one, since the Brown Recluse is in the greater LBF (Little Brown Fucker) family, bites attributed to Recluses are often not from actual Recluses, just non-Recluse LBFs. Especially since the (very proper) response is to smash the shit out of it and that makes identification a little harder. (Dental records for spiders??)

Also something about the response to the bites being quite varied, but a bad outcome is really bad.

I'll leave Wolf Spiders alone cause they are harmless and beneficial, and Jumping Spiders cause they are adorable, but for above reasons any unidentified LBF gets to talk to the shoe.