UTMC

For real. I want this guy gone. I don't want to break any laws to do it, and I don't want him to know that whatever it is that makes him want to leave has anything to do with me.
We live downstairs in a two family house, and never had to share the yard until this guy, and his dog, "Bitey" moved in.
I'm sure there are all kinds of "Revenge Fantasy" ideas out there, but I'm looking for real-life solutions, not crazy talk.
The only good thing I can say about this guy is that he's not here much. However when he is here, it's just awful, the worst part is that he has a dog that has bitten pretty much every dog she's ever met, and the fact that the asshat owner doesn't seem to think this is a problem, is a problem. We live downstairs in a two family house, and never had to share the yard until this guy, and his dog, "Bitey" moved in.
I've tried talking to the guy, but he's either a moron, or delusional.
Also, my landlord, who is a pretty decent guy for the most part doesn't want to hear about any of this.

I want him gone. Really. Any suggestions?

Find a sympathetic lawyer who specializes in helping people who are in the position you want to put this guy in, that is getting booted for reasons other than money.
Someone who knows how to avoid getting evicted should know all the tricks.

I've got neighbors with dogs and cats who cause problems. Talking to them did nothing. Police? Nothing. So I've no good advice for you other than to follow an Ootmik trend by moving to the PNW.

Animal control can be contacted about the dog. It may mean the end of the dog though.

We are seriously considering moving anyway, for other reasons. But not sure how far out that reality is. He's talking about moving the girlfriend, and her dog, and her two kids, in "for the summer".
I am just so goddamned pissed off about this shit I can't even think straight.

I fucking hate people.

I'd say "move to the sticks", but that might not even be the answer...

I can't see my nearest neighbor's house, though I sometimes see his highly aggressive pit bull bitch, especially when she comes onto my property to defend "her" territory. The moment the dog attacks my dad or niece (or even my cat), said dog will have forfeited her right to draw breath and will become eligible for a rapid transition to "rotting bag of meat" status.

I have no desire to start a feud with the rednecks on the adjoining piece of land, but I do have obligations to the humans around me.

guitargeek wrote:The moment the dog attacks my dad or niece (or even my cat), said dog will have forfeited her right to draw breath and will become eligible for a rapid transition to "rotting bag of meat" status.

Absolutely.

Well, you have a couple options. First, the neighbor himself. Steal his trash some night. Take it and throw it in the back of someone's pickup truck. Just leave the whole bag there. Two weeks later, do it again, preferably in the same truck. This could be done with yards, whatever. Maybe even a park or playground. Eventually he'll get in trouble for leaving his trash around, especially if it's full of nasty pornography.
You could raid it for credit card reciepts/bank statements/whatever and sign him up for all sorts of wierd stuff you might find on the internet; undoubtedly you might find his email address in the bag of trash as well.
The dog? Well, depends on how much of a problem it is really.
That's a separate issue. What you need to do is get rid of the owner.
I've seen people just plain old let the dog out of the gate before, watch it run off into the sunset. Oops!

My wife and I had a neighbor that lived in the downstairs flat and things actually got to the point where I was carrying a gun and a running tape recorder, we had to buy locking gas caps for our vehicles, and I went to the local justice to take him to court. Huge asshole, that guy was.
He had a dog too, and his wife trained the dog to shit on our steps. I'd like to say they all died a fiery death but that wasn't how it ended.
Eventually he became enraged to the point of madness and bought a house, moved away. He was convinced we were trying to drive him out and even though we were hoping he would leave we really didn't do much to annoy him on purpose. But he was convinced to the point of paranoia. I'd blast the stereo with the speakers facing the floor and then apologize, saying I didn't think anyone was home. I did that a couple times.
All you probably need to do with this guy is plant the seeds of paranoia in his head and let his psyche take over. He'll leave. But whatever you do, don't be stealing his trash and going through it, lol...

All you probably need to do with this guy is plant the seeds of paranoia in his head and let his psyche take over. He'll leave.

And here my friends, is the kernel I needed.
I'm always working on some crazy art project or another out in the yard. Sculptures, paintings, and random mechanical shit is always in some state of disrepair.
Next time dude, and the girlfriend, and the kids go nosing around out by my work area they are going to find some seriously creepy
Satanic/VooDoo/Santa Ria/Zodiac Killer/Blair Witch shit.

What? Me? Nothing, nothing at all...

piccini9 wrote:I'm always working on some crazy art project or another out in the yard.

I think now is a good time to start work on your new cross-cultural piece: An American Urban Interpretation of the Japanese Penis Festival.











I hope this helps as some form of inspiration.



I am the Sausage Pirate Muse.

The dog bites at other dogs, has it ever tried to bite you or another person? If so, check into the leasing regulations to see if the landlord can be held liable for any animals on his property that injure people. If he can, start logging the complaints (keep track of dates and times for all complaints), let the landlord know his legal position irt Bitey and your fear of injury.

File complaints with animal control, especially if said varmint has tried to bite any humans.

If you are going to work on projects in the yard, perhaps a giant trebochet. Damned if it doesn't work like a snare-trap too.


Good luck and, above all, keep a cool head. Paper trails are your best friend.

I guess we just need to move then.

Yeah, they may speak sense, but I still think a giant, turgid cock in a shared back garden would be amazing.

I'll give it a shot. What could possibly go wrong?

Time to build a pulse-jet. Noisiest home-made non-explosive device on the planet:
<iframe width="425" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/EEHw9lInIfg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Valveless are simple to build, if you can weld.

is this the guy I met, the one upstairs?

How bad do you want him gone? Bad enough to take a dog bite from old Bitey?

MoraleHazard wrote:is this the guy I met, the one upstairs?

Yeah. That guy. He seems perpetually surprised to find a dog at the end of the leash he is holding.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense to just do some really fucked up looking artwork. I mean, what the fuck? I already have some weird shit going on, what's the worst that could happen?
Maybe I'll make the local papers in some kind of "Crazy artist asserts his first amendment rights" type of article.

Besides, I've always thought it was a waste to just let roadkill rot on the side of the road.

Well, things just went from bad to worse. I'm all adrenalized right now, so I won't be typing much. The upstairs girlfriend was stomping around upstairs so I rang the bell to see if there was a problem and got a face full of angry drunk bitch.
This is really freaking me out, not happy, not happy at all....

aarg, sorry you're having shitty neighbour issues

Adding to the "call animal control" contingent. That stuff gets taken pretty seriously out here, maybe less so in your area, but you won't know till you try. And its not to get the dog removed, its in hopes that if they are getting hassled by animal control they will decide to move.

Also look closely at your lease, and I'd add to the idea of checking on the landlord's liability if the dog does something (downside though, he might decide no one can have dogs there).

If you normally get on well with your landlord, though, you might want to point out that you are considering moving because of the upstairs neighbours ... and point out that he's going to have a difficult/impossible time keeping tenants as long as they are also tenants. Remind him of the bottom line.

piccini9 wrote:Well, things just went from bad to worse. I'm all adrenalized right now, so I won't be typing much. The upstairs girlfriend was stomping around upstairs so I rang the bell to see if there was a problem and got a face full of angry drunk bitch.
This is really freaking me out, not happy, not happy at all....

Step1: Put anything you've got that is illegal, away.
Step2: Be sober.
Step3: Call Cops (Use the term "Domestic Violence").
Step4: Let her give them a face full of angry drunk bitch.

^ +1 on that.
"911, what's your emergency?"
"Yeah, I've got a neighbor upstairs, something's going on. I hear yelling and stomping, doesn't sound good. She's a nice girl, I don't know what they're into but it doesn't sound good, you know? I went and knocked on the door and she yelled at me and stuff but I don't know what's going on. Lots of shouting. I think they're beating each other up."

Then go upstairs and tell her your buddy is coming over to hassle her and he's dressed like a cop but he really isn't.

Sit back, relax, let hilarity ensue.

Sisyphus wrote: Then go upstairs and tell her your buddy is coming over to hassle her and he's dressed like a cop but he really isn't.

Sit back, relax, let hilarity ensue.

YES!!!!

Do this!

POST PICS or VIDEO!

Maybe not tonight, but I may be able to play the "Domestic Violence" card.
As to "Putting away anything illegal" I think I'm safe, no guns, no drugs, just some crazy artwork. They do fight pretty bad sometimes when they're drinky, which is pretty often.
Really though, I would like to move off this loud corner anyway; But aside from the traffic, and the fire trucks and ambulances, and the awful neighbors it's a nice place.
I saw my landlord the other day and casually mentioned that my dog got bit. He didn't seem to care.
Maybe I'll stop mowing the lawn.

piccini9 wrote:Maybe I'll stop mowing the lawn.

Try mowing it with a gallon of 85 octane and a book of matches... then put it out with a 25 lb bag of sidewalk salt. See if he cares then.

That'll control any crabgrass problem you may have.

But... but, I live here too. I want the place all nice and green, I just want the people gone.

Shit if they are getting all domestic disturbancy you have the right to get the police involved. I would keep a record of when you call, and more importantly tell the police or county dispatcher (this will require to call 911, not the direct police line) tell them that you are afraid they might retaliate if they figure out it was you who called 'em in. Emergency dispatchers record all calls, and you can request a copy of those recordings if in fact they do try to fuck with you.

Since the other day things have gotten really quiet.
My idea is that she told him what happened and he told her to stop acting like an idiot. Claudia thought I should not have engaged the woman while she was deliberately stomping around, but I thought that if I let that shit happen once without saying something it might never stop.
I had a hard time followig her ranting drunken logic, but I think maybe her friend overheard me talking to my Dad on the phone and told her I was "talking shit" about them, or the dog, or something.
This shit was old when I was in High School.

My real problem though is the fact that his dog bit my dog, right in front of both of us, and he says it didn't happen. there's just no talking to someone like that,I can't wait until her kids move in for the Summer. Just fucking shoot me.

Unfortunately, the only guaranteed way to be rid of a shite neighbour is to move. But once kids are in place, the domestic disturbance call strategy could become more effective. I don't know though if you can predict how unreasonable people will act. It's a shit situation.

Wait, wasn't it you who had the gangsta boyz driving slow past your house a while back? You've got bad luck in neighbours.