UTMC

I gone down the rabbit hole of anxiety/depression again, brought on by doing the same stupid shit again, and letting someone talk me into shit I should not be doing. Spent two weeks commuting to Brooklyn, that stretched into three weeks, and part of a fourth. There was nothing good about it. That led into another job closer to home that I just walked away from in a panic. I just can't do it anymore. I want to write a big long psychobabble rant about it, but basically I just can't do it anymore.
So.
On another note, I found out something today that I probably didn't want to know. A couple months ago I was driving to the park with dog, and going down the hill to the parking lot the road curves, and is very narrow. just barely wide enough for two cars to pass. Ahead of me, walking side by side are two women with baby carriages. They have their backs to me, I'm going very slow, and the woman on the side closer to traffic steps ahead of her friend and off to the side. I begin to pass them, when the other woman, for some reason steps RIGHT OUT IN FRONT OF MY CAR. I jerk the wheel, toot the horn and drive away. they have no idea how close I came to hitting her.
As it turns out the woman who did the right thing is a friend of Claudia's, so when she sees me get out of my car she calls after me to say hello, and maybe introduce me to the woman I just nearly ran over. I'm totally adrenalized and want just to not talk them, but it's unavoidable. I tell them what just happened, they have no idea, our friend says, "I knew you were there" to which I respond "You were fine, but "YOU" I point at her friend, "YOU JUST CAN'T DO THAT!"
At that I walked away, muttering angrily. Yesterday Claudia saw our friend for the first time in a while. Seems I really scared the crap out of both of them. To the point that our friend had to talk the other woman out of calling the cops on me.
I know I was angry, but really don't think I was out of line, I mean, how upset would she have been if I hit her with my car? Maybe some people just don't having strangers pointing out when they fuck up.
Fuck. I should just go live in a cave.

People are generally oblivious, and want to stay that way. When you point it out to them, it makes them aware of the fact that can't go dancing through life with ether in the skulls. Noone likes to be made aware. Once they become aware, they end up becoming alert, and contrary to what modern t-shirt designs might lead you to believe, I think there are plenty of wares and lerts in the world.

Don't sweat it, according to what I learned in driver's ed, pedestrians should walk against traffic so they can see oncoming cars, not with traffic so their back is to oncoming cars.

You just need to be more cavalier about life, that way theres nothing to be angry about when you almost kill someone, or someone nearly kills you while on your bike.

And no big deal if she had called the cops, you didn't do anything wrong. Even if the police didn't agree about that, killing people with cars is barely an offence anyway, so almost killing someone is less than nothing.

And finally, everybody alive is medicated in some way, whether by self or professional. There are a wide range of options depending on your level of coverage and level of respect for law. Treatment may include things like riding motorcycles and crocheting… whatever it takes to counteract the deleterious effects of existence.

Maybe I need medication. You know, to stop all the thinking, and feeling, and being aware, and shit.

I use alcohol for that… and sometimes benzodiazepines.
Fun fact, benzos take their name partially from benzene, which is an alternative name for and an ingredient of gasoline, which I also use for that purpose!

I'ts all fuckered up.

SHE almost made you kill her and her baby, and SHE'S pissed because you made her aware that if that had indeed happened, YOU would have suffered for it all of your life, even though,


IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN!

And then she says, "What's YOUR problem?"

Making sense of others is a lost cause.

I've always thought that interactions between any two people being successful or not isn't even up to us really, the two individuals either get each other, or they don't. It's like that. Ships in the night and all that.

Pintgudge wrote:Making sense of others is a lost cause.

No, this is simple actually. From her perspective, a man she's never seen before, easily twice her size and shaking with rage, appears from nowhere and says something about killing her and her child, and then shouts something vague about she's wronged him before walking away muttering to himself. She's fucking terrified that this giant crazy person is going to do something to her baby.

Now, she isn't operating with all the information, and that is her fault, but based on her understanding of the situation at the time, calling the police sounds pretty sensible.

A quote I saw recently, "If someone else has a problem with you, it's their problem." Thinking, feeling, being aware? Those are good things, don't let any of the zombie assholes make you think any different.

rolly wrote:

Pintgudge wrote:Making sense of others is a lost cause.

No, this is simple actually. From her perspective, a man she's never seen before, easily twice her size and shaking with rage, appears from nowhere and says something about killing her and her child, and then shouts something vague about she's wronged him before walking away muttering to himself. She's fucking terrified that this giant crazy person is going to do something to her baby.

Now, she isn't operating with all the information, and that is her fault, but based on her understanding of the situation at the time, calling the police sounds pretty sensible.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, but, there is no trying to make sense.

Sure, at that moment everyone was too wired to communicate succesfully, but it would be good to see the others point of view, and that mostly never happens.

Why would a person walk into a road without looking pushing a baby carriage?

Why would a person accost another saying "why did you do that, I could have killed you!" ?

Sigh.

Who is right or wrong on the baby killing road of doom is completely irrelevant. The important issue is that you don't like the way you are feeling and don't like the way you handled a particular situation(probably other less dramatic situations as well).

Talk to a professional. There are other ways of coping, but most are temporary at best and destructive at worst. Often, depression kills the ability to enjoy the things you love.

Talking to someone is a good idea. It sounds like you might need help realizing what you have control over and what you don't. You did the right thing in that situation by being aware enough to avoid hitting her and her baby. You couldn't control how unaware she was of her immediate surroundings.

And medication is good for a temporary fix. For long term it's not good being numb. Yes you do miss out on feeling some of the shitty things in life but you also miss out on the good. This comes from personal experience. It clouds your judgement. I've found it worthwhile to just deal with the shitty depressing moments - they're usually not permanent. I've also found that a lot of the same situations I thought that I needed medication to deal with - I've dealt with just fine without them.

Hang in there. Being human is overrated at times.

there are few things in the world as stupid or oblivious as a woman pushing a baby stroller. It never ceases to amaze me that, time and again, people who claim to be focused on the safety of their children are as oblivious as Mr. Magoo to the danger they are walking into the path of.

On the other topic, I am a believer that it is well worthwhile to pay for help with the crap that rattles around inside my skull. YMMV.

Oh, I've spent my time on "The Couch". This past few weeks has just been another in a long line of returns to my abusive relationship with construction work. I've been doing it since I was a kid, and I've never really liked it. In fact I've always kind of hated it, everything about it really. Yet once again, I agreed to do a job for "A couple of weeks", that stretched into 3, then 4, then another job, and then blah blah blah blah blah.
I should probably be teaching Art History at some pretty little college in New England, instead of hanging out in the parking lot of the Home Depot under the Brooklyn/Queens Expressway. (Talk about a special little circle of Hell)
I've tried the meds, and while they may, (or may not) have lifted me out of a hole once, I have no desire to go that route again. Specially since I have no money, and the public assistance Mental Health Professionals I have met are a bunch of absolutely useless people. I like to drink, but that has it's own set of troubles. I have a long history of drinking way too much, so aside from DOOM! and the occasional art show, I hardly ever drink.
I really did try to avoid talking to the idiot baby carriage lady because I knew my adrenaline was flowing, but it was really unavoidable. Small town, small parking lot, someone nearby calling me by name. I tried walking away, but that would have maybe been even worse. (Probably not)
I really need to find another way to make money aside from construction/handyman/housepainter stuff. I'm just done, and have been for a long time.

Ok, can you teach art history at some pretty little college? Workshops at your local art centre? Is there an art centre? A friend of mine opened one because there wasn't in her little town.
I know what it's like to be "done" but stuck without a clear next move. Fuck, I'm in it right now!

rolly wrote:Ok, can you teach art history at some pretty little college? Workshops at your local art centre? Is there an art centre? A friend of mine opened one because there wasn't in her little town.
I know what it's like to be "done" but stuck without a clear next move. Fuck, I'm in it right now!

As obvious and easier said than done as it sounds, it can be a good thing to capitalise your energy on adjusting your life to your needs and envy rather than spend it trying to make your incomplete and frustrating existence bearable. Destroy the part of your situation that generates the frustration and not the part of you that has the potential. Fuck, I'm in it right now and it feels so good I often feel an awkward shame. (still need to work on the drink to much part tho)

xtian wrote:

rolly wrote:Ok, can you teach art history at some pretty little college? Workshops at your local art centre? Is there an art centre? A friend of mine opened one because there wasn't in her little town.
I know what it's like to be "done" but stuck without a clear next move. Fuck, I'm in it right now!

As obvious and easier said than done as it sounds, it can be a good thing to capitalise your energy on adjusting your life to your needs and envy rather than spend it trying to make your incomplete and frustrating existence bearable. Destroy the part of your situation that generates the frustration and not the part of you that has the potential. Fuck, I'm in it right now and it feels so good I often feel an awkward shame. (still need to work on the drink to much part tho)

Yeah, I've pretty much been trying to destroy my self since I was about 10 years old. Guess I'm more resilient than I expected.

that's a lot of energy wasted because you know you'll get it eventually ether you help the process or not. So you might as well take the real risk and put yourself in danger by completing something before you end up in a box.

hey, when did I become your father ?!

It must be in the air. I came totally unglued today, quit a bike club I have been in for 17 years, and threw away a gig in the process. And if the band doesn't back me up, they can sing & play without me. A line has been crossed, and the ties have been permanently severed.

And I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I refuse to turn my anger on myself anymore.

Metalredneck wrote:And I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I refuse to turn my anger on myself anymore.

I'm hoping that feeling comes sooner than later. This is about the umpteenth time I've tried to quit this shit. and at least the 5th or 6th time I've run away from this guy in particular in a complete, full blown, can't catch my breath, feel like I'm gonna pass out, have a fuckin' heart attack, spontaneously combust, panic attack.
Too long to go into detail, but let's just say he has only marginally more ability to run a business than I do, and I'm quite sure my business abilities are way off in Negative Number Land.
Plus, he has of late gone way off to the right wing radio end of the pool, and I just can't swim in that all day.

Oh, just by coincidence, our tenants at Claudia's condo bailed on us last minute, so I've been tasked with,... you guessed it...
handyman/housepainter duties.
And the hits just keep on coming.

piccini9 wrote:

Metalredneck wrote:And I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I refuse to turn my anger on myself anymore.

And the hits just keep on coming.

Keep yer pecker up, Pete. I enjoy seeing what you do. I think it's time to get my passport so I can buy you a beer @ DOOM!!! (tm)

Passport?

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I like caves. I don't know if it's me or the current times we're in lately but I joke with mrs midlife that today anymore, I believe I'm living in a colossal insane asylum. I told her just the other that once I ride off my driveway I enter the asylum. With crazy drivers, people roasting chickens on a rotisserie sitting on their dashboard, nut cases in the check out line let alone the incompetent cashiers, purchased items that never work once back home, a neighbor that start planting vegetables in my garden using a post hole digger and chicken wire to claim a spot (I'm still shell shocked at that one), a nice cat that lives next door with my new neighbors, who are poster children for white trash who have purchased their very first home, that's so dysfunctional, that the cat lives and sleeps on my front porch. It's one thing witnessing this in the public but now I'm being squeezed in upon by crazy neighbors. Cave, Cave, Cave... run for your lives.