UTMC

Simple. Find a joke, post it. Here are two.

Why do they call it P.M.S?

Because the name "Mad Cow Diesase" was already taken...

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Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to
the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat
dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America,
we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog
vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot
dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns
hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush
and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun
and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?

This has always been one of my favorites:

Three women go out for drinks after work and decide to really tear the town up. During the course of the night they get separated and when they straggle in to work on Monday morning they start comparing notes over coffee.

The first girl says, “I can’t believe how drunk I got Friday. I don’t remember how I got home, I could barely make it through the door, and as I soon as I got inside I dropped to my knees and blew chunks right there in the hallway.”

The next girl says, “That’s nothing. When I drove home I was so drunk I missed my driveway and went right through the fence! I woke up about two inches from going through my living room window.”

The third girl says, “Oh my god, girls, that’s nothing. I started pounding shooters at some sports bar that I don’t even remember going to. I’m pretty sure I was topless because I thought my chest was cold. I woke up on a bench and never did find my underwear!”

They sit quietly for a minute while the first women looks at the other two. She says, “I don’t think you understand what I’m saying. Chunks is my dog.”


Guder

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and
is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Once upon a time, there was a lake. On either side of the lake there was a hill. On the one hill was a monastery, on the other hill was a nunnery.
The monks and the nuns had worked out a system by which the monks would get to bathe in the lake in the morning, the nuns would get to bathe in the lake in the afternoon.
One day, one of the monks had just gotten out of the water, running a little late, a towel in one hand, a bar of soap in the other, when three of the nuns showed up.
Scared to death, the monk stood still as a pillar, not daring to move.
The nuns, while undressing, looked at him. Never having seen a naked man before, one of them exclaimed:
"Look, they put up a vending machine!"
She studied the monk and explained to the others:
"I saw something like this in the city. You put a coin in here..." she said, shoving a quarter into the monks mouth, "and then you pull here!" she said and pulled on his dick.
The monk, still too shocked and scared to do or say anything, dropped his towel.
"Look, I got a towel!" the nun said happily.
The next nun followed suit pushed a penny into the monks mouth and pulled on his dick.
"Hey, I got a bar of really nice soap!" she said.
Then it was the third nuns turn, and when she was finished she walked over to the others and showed them her hands:
"Look, you got a towel and you got soap......all I got is this little bit of shampoo."


Lame, I know.

There's something about Sister Mary.

This blonde walks into a bar. A monkey cozies up to the blonde and says "For a twenty I'll do anything you want, as many times as you want." The blonde says "Are you kidding? I'm a blonde!" The monkey says "I'd hold this pencil between your ass cheeks to get a drink."

The blonde tosses back a beer and says "What? They sold me a chihuahua?"



For more good jokes:

http://www.brunching.com/cgi/barjoke.cgi

A guy is on safari and he sees an elephant limping by. He approaches the elephant, and the elephant shows him his foot. He has a big, pointy rock stuck between his toes. The man pulls the rock out, and the elephant goes on his merry way. As the elephant is walking away, it stops and looks back at him for a long time, then keeps going.

Years later the same man takes his family to the circus. The elephants come out and as they parade around the ring one stops and looks closely at the man. Then it gently picks him up with it's trunk and carries him to the middle of the ring where it brutally throws him to the floor and tramples him into an unrecognizable mess.

Turns out it was a different elephant.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are travelling on a train to a conference in Scotland.
The engineer spots a black sheep in a field and proclaims:
"Look, there are black sheep in Scotland!"
The physicist shakes his head and says:
"You can't deduce that from the evidence available. All we know is that there is at least one black sheep in Scotland."
The mathematician shakes his head and says:
"You are both wrong. All that we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland that is black on at least one side."

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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are standing on a rooftop, they all wan't to jump to their deaths.
The engineer looks down and sees a leaf lying in the street.
He says to the others:
"I bet you that I'll manage to land right on that leaf down there."
The other take him on on it and the engineer does some calculations before jumping.
He lands a foot to the left of the leaf.
The physicist looks down and says:
"Oh, I see what he did wrong. I can do this."
He makes a few calculations in his head and jumps. He lands a foot to the right of the leaf.
The mathematician looks at the shattered bodies lying on either side of the leaf and starts pondering the problem. After a while, he says:
"Ah, I've got it!"
He jumps and flies straight up!
What happened?
Sign of number error.

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Two middle managers are taking a baloon ride and get hopelessly lost in the fog because they have almost no idea how to fly that thing. They float around for hours without seeing the ground until they spot an opening in the fog. Through the opening they see a man and start shouting:
"Hey! We don't know how to navigate this thing and got lost. Can you tell us where we are?"
The man answers:
"You are in a wicker basket, attached to a hot air baloon which, because the density of the gasses filling it is lower than that of the gasses surrounding it, is floating at an altitude of approximately 50 feet."
The manager calls back:
"You must be an engineer!"
The man answers:
"Why, I am! How can you tell?"
The manager answers:
"Well, I asked you a perfectly simple question which any child could have answered and you respond with a lot of technological gibberish that nobody understands and because of you we still don't know where we are!"
The engineer shouts back:
"You guys must be in middle management!"
The middle managers shout:
"That's right! How can you tell!"
"Well, you went and did something you didn't properly understand, got yourself totally lost and really are the only ones to blame for your present situation. Then you go asking me for help, I answer your unspecific question with the greatest and most accurate detail anyone can expect yet somehow, your problems are somehow my fault all of a sudden."

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A team of psychologists wants to make a study on how people from different occupational backgrounds solve problems.
They gather a mechanic, an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician.
The test setup is as follows:
In a room, the subjects find a blackboard, some chalk and a table.
On the table are a bunsen burner, a tripod, a metal pot, a bottle of water, a lighter and a rubber hose that connects to a gas line.
The object of the experiment is to find out who can boil water the fastest. The subjects are let into the room one by one with instructions to go and boil some water.
The mechanic goes first. He connects the gas line to the bunsen burner, puts the tripod over the burner, puts the pot on the tripod, fills it with the water, turns on the gas and lights the burner.
Time elapsed: 20 seconds.
The engineer goes next. He looks at all the implements, puts them all together, checks the gas connections and the stability of the tripod and then turns on the gas and lights the burner.
Time elapsed: 45 seconds.
Then it's the physicists turn:
He goes in, looks at all the implements and grabs the chalk.
He makes a short calculation on the blackboard, throws in a few ring-integrals for good measure and then commences putting together the parts and eventually lights the burner.
Time elapsed: 3 mintues.
Finally, it's the mathematicians turn.
The psychologists know that mathematicians are a little bit removed from the real world, so they decide to make it easier for him. They prepare everything so that he only has to turn on the gas and light the burner.
The mathematician goes in and the psychologists wait.
One minute. Two minutes. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Thirty minutes.
After 45 minutes, the mathematician finally sticks his head out of the door and says:
"I didn't solve that water problem, but I found a rather interesting little problem while looking for a solution, can I have more chalk?"

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And the funny bit is, these were all told to me (and the rest of the class) by our mathematics professor. Who also happened to never have owned a pocket calculator, computer or cd player. They did force him to at least set up a Mac G5 in his office when he became pro-dean of the numerical maths faculty, though.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each order a shot of whiskey. By strange coincidence, a fly lands in each of their whiskeys.

The Englishman looks down into his glass with an expression of annoyance, then pushes it away in disgust.

The Irishman looks into his glass with an expression of annoyance, pulls out the fly with his fingers, shrugs it off, and takes a sip.

The Scot looks into his glass with an expression of annoyance, pulls out the fly with his fingers, then holds it over the glass and screams "SPIT OUT OUT YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!"

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Does this kind of joke qualify as racist? Sorry if it offends anybody, but I can't help but enjoy it.

xtian,
Thanks, that's pretty fucking funny. Too bad it won't make it onto American television.

The Scot looks into his glass with an expression of annoyance, pulls out the fly with his fingers, then holds it over the glass and screams "SPIT OUT OUT YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!"

Offensive? no... Making me laugh coffee out my nose? OH Yeah!!

A penguin walks out to his car one day and notices a puddle of oil under it. He gets in the car and drives it to his local mechanic to find out what the problem is. The mechanic tells him that he's pretty busy, but he'll see if he can work it in to the schedule. In the meantime the penguin decides to pass the time by walking across the street to baskin robbins and getting an ice cream cone. He has a little trouble handling the cone with his flippers and spills the ice cream down the front of his chest, but he figures he can clean up later with a quick swim . After finishing his treat he walks back to the mechanic to check on his car.

The mechanic has just taken the car down off the lift as the penguin walks in. The penguin asks what he thinks and the mechanic replys ... Well buddy, it looks like you've blown a seal. The penguin replys...no, I just spilled a little ice cream.

ok, ok... how 'bout this one. Why is a washing machine better than a wife?

Because you don't have to cuddle with it for 15 minutes after you throw a load in.


Ok, ok somebody stop me before I post again.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
http://www.romwell.com/humor/Chicken.htm

And then, this one is of course pure greatness:
http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

I'm a huge fan of extremely dirty jokes with no profanity in them. Here's my fave:

What does it mean when a hooker has a runny nose?
She's full.

maniacles wrote:I'm a huge fan of extremely dirty jokes with no profanity in them. Here's my fave:

What does it mean when a hooker has a runny nose?
She's full.

A man has spent all his money but for a twenty on an all weekend bender in Vegas. He doesn't want to go home before being flat broke, so he walks into a brothel and asks the lady of the house what he can get for a twenty.
She says: "Well, go to room 10. She just lies there so you have to do everything. But you can do anything you want."
The man can't believe his luck, anything he want's for a twenty!
So, of he goes to room 10.
About twenty minutes later, he comes to the reception, naked and screaming.
The lady of the house asks him what is the matter.
He explains:
"I was just doing my thing, you know, and just as I came she started foaming at the mouth!"
The lady of the house says: "Oh, that's allright."
She waves over the janitor and says:
"Jeff, go clean out number ten, the dead bitch is full again."

...the next day the guy comes back and ask the lady of the house what he can have for 5$ . she then lead him into a empty room with just a table and a duck. hmm well; ok... 5$... he places himself behind the duck close his eyes and bang the bird.
the very last day, he finds a coin on the floor, goes back to the brothel, just to be sure, asks the lady "I'm sure I just CAN'T have anything for a coin can I?" the lady smiles back and says "of course you can" she then opens a door behind her and the guy walks into a dark room where 2 guys are touching themseves while looking thru a hole on the wall. the guy puts his pants down and takes a look trhu the hole... nothing. he just stares at the other two fellows with incomprehension and they answer "oh man, you should have come yesterday, 't was amazing, some weirdo was butt fucking a duck !!!"

Slash 6 wrote:http://media.big-boys.com/files02/newdodgeram.wmv

I wonder wether the corporate drones at DaimlerChrysler realize that this commercial explains and demonstrates exactly where the people who choose to buy these climate modifiers are lacking in quantity.

Ames Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:27 pm Post subject:

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xtian,
Thanks, that's pretty fucking funny. Too bad it won't make it onto American television.

that one was too good to be true, it appears to be a false ad made by students...

Slash6,
Damn, that just says it all, doesn't it? If only the guys who sell Corvettes had been that honest!

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

Afternoon small-talk in a home for the elderly:
"That reminds me of the old days when I was a lumberjack in the sahara ..." says the one old geyser. The second one replies "Don't bullshit me, there are no trees in the sahara!"
The first one calmly answers "Not anymore!"

And that reminds me on the other sahara joke:

Again, two old guys meet and one remembers "One day, in the middle of the sahara a mighty lion tried to kill me. In my panic I climbed up the next tree!"
"Now shut up! There are no trees in the sahara!"
"I was so panicked I just didn't care for that."

A man is travelling on an airplane to LA. He is very nervous and starts a conversation with the man sitting next to him.
"My company transferred my to the LA office, and I am scared. There is so much violence there, people just getting shot in the street...."
The other man says:
"Oh, don't say that. I have lived in LA for all my life and it's really no different from any other big city."
"Really? But all the stuff you hear on the news....people with guns, gangs, drive-by shootings...."
"That's all exagarated. Really, trust me, LA is a great city, you don't have to worry about these things. I raised my children there and they are allright, it's really not so bad."
"Gee, thank you. I feel much safer now. Tell me, what's your job in LA?"
"I drive on a milkfloat."
"Really, you are a milkman?"
"No, I'm the tailgunner."

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

After several years of searching, he finally finds a theatre where they seem prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. At the opening you walk on stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming!

"Arghhhhhh! You idiot!" he cries. "You've ruined me!"

The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the
bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug
goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for
myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars
take notice and fall silent.

When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
in her eyes and she laughs.


"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

This joke is not intended to be derisive of Americans, or to be a put down...at least I don't intend my telling of it to be.
But it is a bit of a classic in Germany. Here goes:

An American is visiting Cologne and takes the city tour.
As the tour reaches the city wall, the tour guide explains:
"This is part of the medieval city wall. The wall as 8 kilometers long and was built in various stages between 1180 and 1220."
The American laughs at that and says:
"In America we could have built that in less than a year!"
The tour guide nods and the tour continues.

As the tour reches the city hall, the tour guide explains:
"This is the city hall. Oldest parts of it date back to the twelfth century, others were added later. Overall, construction took about six years."
The American laughs again and says:
"Well, in America we would have built something like that in six months!"
The tour guide sighs and the tour goes on.

The tour reaches the magnificent Cologne Cathedral.
The American asks: "Well, what is that?"
The tour guide replies: "Honestly, I have no idea, it wasn't here yesterday."



For additional punchline, read up what wikipedia has to say about the Cologne Cathedral.

A 3 legged dog walks into a saloon, I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!