UTMC

I fucking hate computers...always did...OK, so I have become addicted to video games, message boards, and internet porn (not necessarily in that order)...but other than that...oh and online shopping, love the online shopping...that way I don't have to venture out into the real world, malls are my definition of hell...all that walking wears out my Kleenex boxes don't you know...Oh, and yet another reason to hate the mall...the mall I used to work at as a kid had an unhappy consumer/visitor walk in and blast away at shoppers with an assault rifle last week...woohoo! Anyway, yes I hate malls...but not as much as computers, yes computers, stay on topic...can't blame me really since I have been diagnosed with Severe ADHD by one of them internet poll thingies...oh yeah internet polls I like them too...especially the ones that are like "what kind of feminine hygene product are you?" ...always wondered about that myself...figured I was just a douche...but no...lets just say "the darn things got wings" and leave it at that.....But other than that, I hate computers and have no use for them at all...unless I want to find directions to go somewhere, in which case mapquest is a god send...but then again, who has time to go out when I spend my entire day killing off the microbes that infest every square inch of my apartment and childrens sticky little hands? Lets just say I hate computers...as a starting point...well, so what career do I choose for a living...why, developer of course (see, now that is irony, as defined by websters, not Alanis Morissette)...so I use them every day...in fact some would say that I need them to do my work...and they would be right......I guess I also like the ATM machines for convenience which I guess are computers, that way I don't have to go to the bank and risk exposing myself to the cashier germs....plus, did you ever notice they all play the music that precedes the call "CHARGE!!!!" at football games (that's american football for our international types)? Really, listen the next time you take money out....so anyway...I'm comfortable with my deep seated hatred for all things computer...I mean monkey hate technology...but untill recently I didn't realize that robot hate the monkey.....Recently the computer manufacturers must have installed anti-Gauss chips or something...huh, degauss? Hmmm...maybe it's my screen name? Anyway...over the past 2 months I've become the "Lets get Mikey to try it, he'll eat anything" rotating bitch in my office...I'm now working on 5 projects in 2 languages (with 1 week's training in C#...now go code! Oh did we mention we need it by the end of the month)...not counting PL-SQL and T-SQL database scripts, procedure trigger horse shit....and so far I'm on my 3rd , make that 4th computer.....one could not play nicely with microsoft web services...another had a hard drive failure (lost a weeks worth of work on that one)...yet another was more virus infected than a whore at the Republican National Convention...I've reinstalled XP more times than I can count....NET actually displays a messagebox that says "What, you again?" whenever I install it..... I was joking with one of my 4 bosses a couple of weeks ago after computer 3 went the way of the do-do..."Maybe I should go back to an abacus and paper and pencil"...Well, up to this point my computers were a PITA, but today computer number 4 tried to kill me...well he had help...the surge protector was his accomplice...BZZZZTTT! OW! FUCK!....is that smoke??? FUCK!!! Ohhhh sparks are pretty! I feel dizzy! The plastic is all melty...well at least the shock didn't make me shit my pants.

Now I'm a living joke in my office...the programmer that kills every computer he touches...and now aparently, the computers are fighting back.

it doesn't pay to trim the nails and change shoe boxes some days...

Hmmmm...I believe I understand this. Seems everyuone has some object of their hatred. If you ever see me about to drive a mini-van, stop me no matter the cost. I've only driven 2....one in Texas in 1986 (I'm sure its dead by now), and the other at a TV station in Denver. The last one died a terrible death climbing to Eisenhower Tunnel. Dull thud from below the vehicle, slight uplift of the body, followed by the sound of large shards of cast metal bouncing down the highway. That's what happens when a transmission has an "anomaly" . That is a confirmed 50% kill ratio me vs. minivans and I see no let up in the essential nature of that relationship. I hate the little fuckers!