(Please do not ridicule me for this post as others on other sites have):
Ok. I know that I only know a few of you here, but I need a suggestion on something that has been plagueing me the last 5 weeks.
My mother passed away last month the 16th of September and I thought i was ok after the service, but then the last few weeks I have been having some issues that I think have been complicated by the after-shock of this event. I am not ok by any stretch of the imagination at this point in time.
What my question(s) are/is:
Have any of you dealt with a loss close to this, and how did you deal with it? How long did it take for you to find some sort of um....closure? (Not really the word that I want to use, but I don't know what word I am looking for at this point in time).
Also, what type of method could I use to help me relax, sleep, eat and basically function in a'non-manic' way...
i do not want to go see a shrink and I will abolutely not take any medication of any sort.
I am looking for some type of 'natural' healing process.
If you want to PM me instead of public posting, then feel free to do so.
Thanks for any feedback you can provide!
-Charlotte
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spidergirl1nonly
- El Asbestos Pajamas
- Location: Inside my insanity
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Any suggestions?
Don't look now but there's another rocky road..
But 2day I'm gonna face it, yeah, cuz I'm sick of dealin' any other way
Nobody said the race was fair but I'm gonna keep runnin' just the same!
2day, 2day is the first day of the rest of my life!
But 2day I'm gonna face it, yeah, cuz I'm sick of dealin' any other way
Nobody said the race was fair but I'm gonna keep runnin' just the same!
2day, 2day is the first day of the rest of my life!
-
Guest
Well, I wish I could help. Both of my parents died when I was younger. Best friend when I was 13 killed himself and my roomate in college was murdered. Recently, my housemate's mother died and well, i'm apparently the annointed expert on death. Here's what I know:
1. The pain dulls but never goes away.
2. you will have irrational emotional outbursts;
3. others will wonder why you haven't "gotten over it yet"
4. You will wonder the same f'n thing
5. you are now without a safety net.... and it's scarey.
6. holidays piss you off... and will continue to do so
7. people smiling will piss you off cuz they should know the world is a darker place.... but they don't.
8. you will value your life more.
9. It's different for everyone
10. you will always miss the departed
nuff from me
1. The pain dulls but never goes away.
2. you will have irrational emotional outbursts;
3. others will wonder why you haven't "gotten over it yet"
4. You will wonder the same f'n thing
5. you are now without a safety net.... and it's scarey.
6. holidays piss you off... and will continue to do so
7. people smiling will piss you off cuz they should know the world is a darker place.... but they don't.
8. you will value your life more.
9. It's different for everyone
10. you will always miss the departed
nuff from me
-
xtian
- Le coureur de lames chasse Tinti...
- Location: belgium
- Contact:
-
Abadon357
- Magnum Jihad
- Location: pittsburgh
- Contact:
dealing with it
first and foremost ,my condolences ..i understand the sense of loss that you feel ,and unfortunatly it doesnt go away ,i lost my kid's mother ,some 20 years ago this month and i still feel her presence daily ..my wife talks to her when shes mad at me like shes in the room ....it will get some what easier to bear but it wont go away ,you just learn from it and live with it ....decide what you want and put everything you have into achieving that thing place ,whatever ...know that you arent alone and revel in that fact some dont get to enjoy having people that care ....my last suggestion is the one that let me live thru it ...RIDE LIKE YOUR ASS IS ON FIRE,AND KEEP IT UP TILL YA FEEL BETTER ....in parting i offer my condolences once again ,and hope youy way is easier ....Abadon
REST IN PEACE APPOLLYON,
anger ,he smiles, towering ,in his purple armor
2000 vstar old school bobber
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anger ,he smiles, towering ,in his purple armor
2000 vstar old school bobber
2002 suzuki savage 650 rigid chopper(in the works)
81 kz750 (streetfighter rigid ,in the works)
-
badi
- Magnum Jihad
- Location: Cape Town, South Africa
- Contact:
Charlotte, I said it before and will say it again: TRY SOME FREAKIN YOGA!!!Also, what type of method could I use to help me relax, sleep, eat and basically function in a'non-manic' way...
i do not want to go see a shrink and I will abolutely not take any medication of any sort.
I am looking for some type of 'natural' healing process.
If it works for you it will give you more psychological stability and you'll be able to manage your loss better. In the beginning things will probably become worse but that's pretty much a part of the process. I started last year and experienced some (formerly completely unknown) emotional outbursts. It's not seldom that people suddenly start to cry during class. They don't know why. Was pretty scary at first but in the long run it's cleansing from inside out. For beginning I would recommend a course in Iyengar or Ashtanga tradition. Good side effect is that it's good for your physical body, your mental development, your health and your lifestyle in general as well. It will not bring back the dead, you'll handle it better though.
Okay, there's no magic yoga pill, it needs some discipline, willpower, dedication and the sacrifice of some bad habits (but not too much, don't you worry. I still smoke and eat meat.). The reward is great!
Okay, I start to sound like a commercial, so I shall stop.
If you want some more information, pls feel free to contact me:
badi@kingsley.co.za
If at first you don't succeed,
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then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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rhinoviper
- Toe-Draggin' Speed Monkey
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I would second that but extend the recommendation to ANY exercise. It's a good stress reliever, helps you sleep better, gives you more energy during the day, the list goes on. If you don't want drugs, would you be willing to try something more holistic? What about Melatonin before bed and then aromatherapy during the day? Try epsom salt baths with lavender oils...you have so many options, but if you're looking for a quick fix, you may be looking in the wrong place. Personally, when I'm feeling out of sorts, I tend to hang out with these UTMC yahoos, and it typically helps - or at least acts as a temporary diversion. You're guaranteed to get a few laughs and a few hugs - always good for the soul! 
'00 SV650 "Banshee"
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spidergirl1nonly
- El Asbestos Pajamas
- Location: Inside my insanity
- Contact:
Thank you all for your suggestions and you rcondolences...
I agree with those of you that have suggested exercise; I have been looking into Yoga, Pilates, ets, etc.... I do try to take care of my self somewhat...
Also, I suppose that I was just looking for someone to tell me that what I am going through is normal. Other's have been ridiculing me cuz I am not over my mother yet. GAWD. Lose your mother and then come talk to me about how long it takes to heal. (Fuckers) I know I really shouldn't let those people get to me, but people who just can't relate piss me off really bad.
Oh, and the comment about getting on a bike and riding until my ass hurt, well...
I don't have a bike of my own yet.
(A $$$ problem, called no $$$).
No, I will not go on any type of medication, because in most cases it seems that the cure is worse than the illness and I am just paranoid that there is a pill out there to cure everything, but they can't come up with a cure for AIDS.
Holistic healing is another option that I have been looking into and am more partial to that option, but the financial end of things right now is really tight. That only stands to stress this situation more...
Well, enough whining for now. Thanks again for your concern. Take care, fellow UTMC'rs!
I agree with those of you that have suggested exercise; I have been looking into Yoga, Pilates, ets, etc.... I do try to take care of my self somewhat...
Also, I suppose that I was just looking for someone to tell me that what I am going through is normal. Other's have been ridiculing me cuz I am not over my mother yet. GAWD. Lose your mother and then come talk to me about how long it takes to heal. (Fuckers) I know I really shouldn't let those people get to me, but people who just can't relate piss me off really bad.
Oh, and the comment about getting on a bike and riding until my ass hurt, well...
I don't have a bike of my own yet.
(A $$$ problem, called no $$$).No, I will not go on any type of medication, because in most cases it seems that the cure is worse than the illness and I am just paranoid that there is a pill out there to cure everything, but they can't come up with a cure for AIDS.
Holistic healing is another option that I have been looking into and am more partial to that option, but the financial end of things right now is really tight. That only stands to stress this situation more...
Well, enough whining for now. Thanks again for your concern. Take care, fellow UTMC'rs!
Don't look now but there's another rocky road..
But 2day I'm gonna face it, yeah, cuz I'm sick of dealin' any other way
Nobody said the race was fair but I'm gonna keep runnin' just the same!
2day, 2day is the first day of the rest of my life!
But 2day I'm gonna face it, yeah, cuz I'm sick of dealin' any other way
Nobody said the race was fair but I'm gonna keep runnin' just the same!
2day, 2day is the first day of the rest of my life!
-
mtne
- Holy DAG Master
- Location: Denver at the moment.......
Damn, yet another way in which I've always been and have continued to be lucky. I know it will come, but I still want it to be a long, long time from now. So do do my parents I would guess............
So I'll just store up this info for the time I'll need it. Hang in there Char.
mtne
So I'll just store up this info for the time I'll need it. Hang in there Char.
mtne
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Muppet
- Magnum Jihad
- Location: Hollywood(!)
- Contact:
I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine.
I second all the exercise suggestions. If you're into music, listen to that while you do it (esp for cardio stuff) it's amazing how running/walking + music can distract you from everything...which is what we need sometimes. And, at least for me, I do some of my best thinking/sorting through mental crap while running with the Distillers in my ears.
I also very strongly recommend meditation. For mind, body. Everything. Immensely healing and a great coping mechanism -- and, you should see effects from it really quickly. Pick up a book and/or take a class to get the basics.
I'm also a big fan of good, old fashioned freaking the fuck out. Generally in the privacy of my home with only the company of my cats though...
no one can tell you what is right or wrong on how/what to feel... whatever you're feeling, i'm sure, is completely normal.
hang in there!
xx
I second all the exercise suggestions. If you're into music, listen to that while you do it (esp for cardio stuff) it's amazing how running/walking + music can distract you from everything...which is what we need sometimes. And, at least for me, I do some of my best thinking/sorting through mental crap while running with the Distillers in my ears.
I also very strongly recommend meditation. For mind, body. Everything. Immensely healing and a great coping mechanism -- and, you should see effects from it really quickly. Pick up a book and/or take a class to get the basics.
I'm also a big fan of good, old fashioned freaking the fuck out. Generally in the privacy of my home with only the company of my cats though...
no one can tell you what is right or wrong on how/what to feel... whatever you're feeling, i'm sure, is completely normal.
hang in there!
xx
"Does he have a motorcycle? If you're going to throw your life away, he better have a motorcycle!"
-
badi
- Magnum Jihad
- Location: Cape Town, South Africa
- Contact:
It is normal
Of course it is normal. When a loved one dies it is bad and it is bringing you down. You have to live through it. It's just that there are some methods that really can help you cope with the situation and I assume drugs are not doing the job.
Muppet, meditation is part of the yoga practice. As well as most poses in pilates and other gymnastics are just watered down / alternated yoga asanas. That's why I recommend yoga, it's pretty much like a one-stop for feeling better. You have the physical practice, the meditation, relaxation and philosophy, all in a handy box, ready for take-away
Heck, yoga is a more than 5.000 years old practice, that was long before Doctor Pilates and Mr Aerobic where even thinking about something like that.
Still, Charlotte has to deal with it. It won't just go away.
Muppet, meditation is part of the yoga practice. As well as most poses in pilates and other gymnastics are just watered down / alternated yoga asanas. That's why I recommend yoga, it's pretty much like a one-stop for feeling better. You have the physical practice, the meditation, relaxation and philosophy, all in a handy box, ready for take-away
Heck, yoga is a more than 5.000 years old practice, that was long before Doctor Pilates and Mr Aerobic where even thinking about something like that.Still, Charlotte has to deal with it. It won't just go away.
If at first you don't succeed,
then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
-
wyckedsin
- Barista of Doom
- Location: exploring the rabbit hole looking for Alice...
As with others my condolences as well.
Anyone that tells you they get over something like the loss of a loved one is not only lying to you but themselves as well. Its been 21 years since my mom passed. And every year around her birthday and the day of her death I still feel the loss. What does pass with time is how you yourself look at things. For awhile you can expect to remember the happy, then you will pass into all the things that transpired between you and her that hurt. But eventually you will get to where you can just say "I miss you mom" and feel better with the loss.
The biggest thing you can do, is not run from your feelings. Let them flow. I was SERIOUSLY in shock for 5 years after my mom died. Very much close to denial about it. There was no amount of therapy that would help, but the last therapist said it best."he just isn't ready to accept it. Until he is ready to accept it, it makes no difference what we do to help because the help isn't being accepted." In other words, when it comes time for you to really cope you will. Until then, take to heart that you are not alone in your loss. And with all things in life, this too shall make you stronger.
I won't discuss the fact I am a curse to anyone close to me. We won't discuss all the funerals I have attended nor the ER's I have visited for loved ones in all the years.
Anyone that tells you they get over something like the loss of a loved one is not only lying to you but themselves as well. Its been 21 years since my mom passed. And every year around her birthday and the day of her death I still feel the loss. What does pass with time is how you yourself look at things. For awhile you can expect to remember the happy, then you will pass into all the things that transpired between you and her that hurt. But eventually you will get to where you can just say "I miss you mom" and feel better with the loss.
The biggest thing you can do, is not run from your feelings. Let them flow. I was SERIOUSLY in shock for 5 years after my mom died. Very much close to denial about it. There was no amount of therapy that would help, but the last therapist said it best."he just isn't ready to accept it. Until he is ready to accept it, it makes no difference what we do to help because the help isn't being accepted." In other words, when it comes time for you to really cope you will. Until then, take to heart that you are not alone in your loss. And with all things in life, this too shall make you stronger.
I won't discuss the fact I am a curse to anyone close to me. We won't discuss all the funerals I have attended nor the ER's I have visited for loved ones in all the years.
Sanity has left the building
-
claygirl65
- Pin Puller
- Location: Denver
- Contact:
Re: Any suggestions?
[quote="spidergirl1nonly"](Please do not ridicule me for this post as others on other sites have):
My mother passed away last month the 16th of September and I thought i was ok after the service, but then the last few weeks I have been having some issues that I think have been complicated by the after-shock of this event.
I am looking for some type of 'natural' healing process.
I agree with 'Guest', you never really get over it, you just accept it and deal with it. As far as healing, that takes time. Drugs, therapy, and support groups only go so far. I can't imagine anyone so insensitive as to ridicule someone else regardless of the site, or for anyone not understanding why you aren't 'over it' yet.
The best things you can do for yourself: Avoid making any serious, life-changing decisions right now, and continue to follow (as much as you can) any routines you have to help you remain in the present. My mom died my final semester of college, and it's been a long five years. If you'd like more of my story, feel free to pm me.
My condolences
Take care of yourself,
Paula
My mother passed away last month the 16th of September and I thought i was ok after the service, but then the last few weeks I have been having some issues that I think have been complicated by the after-shock of this event.
I am looking for some type of 'natural' healing process.
I agree with 'Guest', you never really get over it, you just accept it and deal with it. As far as healing, that takes time. Drugs, therapy, and support groups only go so far. I can't imagine anyone so insensitive as to ridicule someone else regardless of the site, or for anyone not understanding why you aren't 'over it' yet.
The best things you can do for yourself: Avoid making any serious, life-changing decisions right now, and continue to follow (as much as you can) any routines you have to help you remain in the present. My mom died my final semester of college, and it's been a long five years. If you'd like more of my story, feel free to pm me.
My condolences
Take care of yourself,
Paula
We could be working together again. Making big money, killing important people...
Dan Akroyd--Grosse Point Blank
Dan Akroyd--Grosse Point Blank
-
Gumby
- Magnum Jihad
- Location: on a bump in Colorado
My deepest condolences also
The one thing about not ever getting over it is true,I know this from My Son dieing almost 20yrs ago.You are doing the right thing about dealing with it.I bottled it up for six months and had a bad break down.Trying to ingnore it damn near destroyed me.
Your Freinds are the best Med.Praying helps too
The one thing about not ever getting over it is true,I know this from My Son dieing almost 20yrs ago.You are doing the right thing about dealing with it.I bottled it up for six months and had a bad break down.Trying to ingnore it damn near destroyed me.
Your Freinds are the best Med.Praying helps too
-
eugene_a
- El Asbestos Pajamas
- Location: Waltham, MA
- Contact:
You are right to stay away from meds. Almost all of today's anti-depressents, mood stabilizers, whatevers have side-effects that are much worse than the actual main function. I've dealt with some myself, and I have known many people whos lives were seriously screwed up due to the sort of medications that you were considering.
Everyone has been giving you great advice. I would recommend something along the same lines - surround yourself with friends and someone who'll listen. Sometimes it's good to just rant for a while and have someone listen to you. Try taking up something like yoga or a martial art of some sort. The exercise will be good for you, and it will help you develop more discipline and be more at peace with yourself.
Just my 2 cents.
-E
Everyone has been giving you great advice. I would recommend something along the same lines - surround yourself with friends and someone who'll listen. Sometimes it's good to just rant for a while and have someone listen to you. Try taking up something like yoga or a martial art of some sort. The exercise will be good for you, and it will help you develop more discipline and be more at peace with yourself.
Just my 2 cents.
-E
-
purple passion
- El Asbestos Pajamas
- Location: Looking for the"Perfect Storm" -MA
as the rest of the board I am truly sorry....
Have yet to lose a parent , but have lost two siblings so I understand great loss..... but still im sure it is no where near the level your dealing with... but...
Here are my reccomandations on how not to deal!!
1. dont throw your self into work... it will only push the stuff down deeper and screw with you even more so later..
2. dont get upset if you take it out on the grocery lady .. just try not to let it happen to often...
3. dont get upset if something that seems trivial to the world makes you cry on the spot... for me its nerf balls...grapefruits and wood putty... they seem harmless .. but i have very fond memories that include them with my brothers... the people at home depot and the grocery store still look at me funny! (and i dont care i just resort to number 2!)
4.dont blame a spirtitual outlet... and if you do .. find another spiritual outlet.. for some its yoga... some its being outside in colorado... you will never feel a sense of balance with out some sort of grounding within...
5. dont get mad and blame the cause.. make the cause your own.. Im not sure what the details were in your mom's passing.. but in my situation...I took the cause and i made it my own... I do 5k's , 10k's... read... voulnteer and do anything that i feel like helps...
6. as cheesy as it sounds ... dont sweat the small stuff... As a 4x cancer survivor, and having lost siblings...( may i note i lost 2 brothers and was diagnosed with cancer all within 6 mths when i was 19..) i found the line at the grocery store wasnt worth being upset about... screw the guy behind me if i must look for change in my purse... and be a few minutes late for work b/c you decided to walk and enjoy the leaves... I think you find your get to a point where you have seen the worst and nothing else will be at that level... so your out look has changed... love the small stuff...
I hope this wasnt too forward i just hate to seen anyone in pain.. though it is part of grief... goose said it best with "the pain never goes away it dulls"... the USMC say it best with "what ever doesnt kill you makes you stronger..."
thoughts are with you-D
Have yet to lose a parent , but have lost two siblings so I understand great loss..... but still im sure it is no where near the level your dealing with... but...
Here are my reccomandations on how not to deal!!
1. dont throw your self into work... it will only push the stuff down deeper and screw with you even more so later..
2. dont get upset if you take it out on the grocery lady .. just try not to let it happen to often...
3. dont get upset if something that seems trivial to the world makes you cry on the spot... for me its nerf balls...grapefruits and wood putty... they seem harmless .. but i have very fond memories that include them with my brothers... the people at home depot and the grocery store still look at me funny! (and i dont care i just resort to number 2!)
4.dont blame a spirtitual outlet... and if you do .. find another spiritual outlet.. for some its yoga... some its being outside in colorado... you will never feel a sense of balance with out some sort of grounding within...
5. dont get mad and blame the cause.. make the cause your own.. Im not sure what the details were in your mom's passing.. but in my situation...I took the cause and i made it my own... I do 5k's , 10k's... read... voulnteer and do anything that i feel like helps...
6. as cheesy as it sounds ... dont sweat the small stuff... As a 4x cancer survivor, and having lost siblings...( may i note i lost 2 brothers and was diagnosed with cancer all within 6 mths when i was 19..) i found the line at the grocery store wasnt worth being upset about... screw the guy behind me if i must look for change in my purse... and be a few minutes late for work b/c you decided to walk and enjoy the leaves... I think you find your get to a point where you have seen the worst and nothing else will be at that level... so your out look has changed... love the small stuff...
I hope this wasnt too forward i just hate to seen anyone in pain.. though it is part of grief... goose said it best with "the pain never goes away it dulls"... the USMC say it best with "what ever doesnt kill you makes you stronger..."
thoughts are with you-D
"The day is coming when a single carrot freshly observed, will set off a revolution"