Hey, Post-O-Joke time

[Ames]

Two sober Irishmen walk out of a bar...it could happen.

What I love about that joke is no matter where you put the emphasis it's funny.

[Photo]

A middle-aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special". Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The confused clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!" And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I AM BEING SCREWED!! The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.

*and the BAD BONUS joke...

What are the three biggest lies told by a redneck?

1. I gave up drinking.
2. The truck's paid for.
3. I was just helping the sheep over the fence.

[brockster]

What does it mean when the redneck's baby drools out of both sides of it's mouth?





The trailer is finally level.

[Ames]

STRATEGY



The tribal wisdom of the Lakota Sioux Indians, passed on from generation
to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."


However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced
strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially
more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...........
13. Promoting the dead horse to a leadership position.

[Flat_Black_Rat]

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[Ban Guzzi]

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late
night out with the boys....
Then..... being assaulted by your wife with a
broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were you
flying somewhere?"

[DerGolgo]

A locksmith is sent to an asylum for the insane to change some cell locks.
While he is changing the lock in the first cell, he notices the inmate is making motions like a baseball player about to bat.
The locksmith asks the inmate what he is doing, and the inmate says: "I'm Babe Ruth! As soon as I hit a homerun, I'm out of here!"
The locksmith goes on with his work.
In the next cell, he sees the inmate making motions like a golfer.
Again he asks, and the inmate says: "Don't you recognize me? I'm Tiger Woods, as soon as I score a Hole-In-One I'm out of here!"
The locksmith shakes his head and goes on to change the lock on the last cell. In the cell, he sees a naked man with an enormous errection and peanut balanced on the tip of it.
The locksmith is puzzled and says: "And what are you doing to get out of here?"
The naked man says: "Get out of here? I'll never get out of here, can't you see I'm fucking nuts?!"

[Muppet]

How do you make a dead baby float?






2 scoops vanilla ice cream
1 scoop dead baby

[Ban Guzzi]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[DerGolgo]

Once upon a time, a student working on his doctoral thesis at a university down south decided to write about bestiality.
He drove to the nearest farm town and went into the local pub.
He stood in the middle of the room and spoke up:
"Gentlemen, if you allow me a question. I am working on a paper about bestiality, is there anything you could tell me about that?"
"What, you mean like sheep shagging? Yeah, that goes on a lot around here. The trick is, when you start you put the sheep's hindlegs in your wellingtons with your feet and her front feet on the electric fence and, man, it's incredible!"
All the regulars toast to that and there is great rejoicing.
The student leaves, he can hardly believe what he heard. He decides he needs some backup on that information and drives to a farmtown further north.
He goes into the pub and asks the regulars:
"Excuse me, I heard a strange tale regarding sheep shagging. It involves putting the sheep's hind legs into one's own wellingtons..."
He is interrupted:
"Oh yeah, the lads down south told us all about it! You put the sheep's hind legs in your wellingtons, it's front legs on the electric fence and man, it's fucking incredible!"
The student is amazed: The story has been confirmed!
He sees a summa cum laude! He sees peer reviewed magazines!
He sees awards from the psychyatrists society!
He decides, to be on the safe side, travel all the way up north and check out wether the people have heard about the sheep thing there.
In the most northerly farmtown he can find, he walks into a local pub, asks all the drinkers for their attention and begins describing the ritual he learned about down south.
The drinkers look at him, first amused, then confused, finally angry.
Murmuring errupts, angry shouting, feet are planted and bottles are broken, people start shouting "Pervert!" and "Sheep raper!"
When he is finished telling the tale, surrounded by the drinkers, he asks "Is this how you do it up here?"
"What," errupts the crowd, "no kissing???"

[Ames]

TWO OLD GUYS, ONE 80 AND ONE 87, WERE SITTING ON THEIR USUAL PARK BENCH
SEAT ONE MORNING. THE 87 YEAR OLD HAD JUST FINISHED HIS MORNING JOG AND
WASN'T EVEN SHORT OF BREATH.THE 80 YEAR OLD WAS AMAZED AT HIS FRIENDS
STAMINA AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE DID TO HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY.

THE 87 YEAR OLD SAID, "WELL, I EAT ITALIAN BREAD EVERY DAY. IT KEEPS YOUR
ENERGY LEVEL HIGH AND YOU'LL HAVE GREAT STAMINA WITH THE LADIES."

SO, ON THE WAY HOME, THE 80 YEAR OLD STOPS IN AT THE BAKERY. AS HE WAS
LOOKING AROUND, THE LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED IF HE NEEDED ANY HELP.
HE SAID, "DO YOU HAVE ANY ITALIAN BREAD?"
SHE SAID, "YES, THERE'S A WHOLE SHELF OF IT. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?"
HE SAID, " YES, I WANT 5 LOAVES."

SHE SAID, "MY GOODNESS, 5 LOAVES. DON'T YOU THINK BY THE TIME YOU
GET TO THE 5TH LOAF, IT'LL BE HARD?'
HE REPLIED, "HOLY SHIT, EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT THIS ITALIAN
BREAD THING BUT ME !!!!!"

[Ames]

A new store named Husband-Mart opened. Husband-Mart is a store where women
can go and choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of
six floors and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper
ascends the flight of stairs. There is, however, a catch. As you open the
door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, But if you go up a
floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.
So, this woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, Well, that is better than my
last boyfriend, but I wonder what is further up? So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, That's great, but I wonder what's further up?
And up she goes.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love Kids and are extremely good looking.
Hmm, better, she says. But I wonder what's upstairs? Up she goes.
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework.
Wow! exclaims the woman, very tempting. But, there must be more further up!
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help
with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be waiting for me on the sixth
floor? So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 1,260,459,789,016 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband-Mart and have a nice day!"

[DerGolgo]

Why do they call camels "Ships of the desert"?

..........


Because they are full of arabian seamen!

Oh, well, it works better when told by voice....




How many GIs did they need to change a lightbulb in Vietnam?

...............

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!

[Ames]

An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued:

Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years; many
children; grandchildren; and even a couple of great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they
thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel where I had sex with each of them twice."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Presbyterian."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

[DerGolgo]

I didn't bother to translate this one for bikes because opinions are just too different with bikes.

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter takes a good look at them and says:
"Gentlemen, you will know tell me how faithfull you all were to your wifes while you were alive. It is very important that you be honest because on how faithful you were will depend what sort of car you will be given. Heaven is a very big place and it's important to have a good car. Also, don't get up your hopes for a Ferrari or a Corvette. This is heaven, all our cars are German."
The first of the men comes forward and says:
"When my wife and I had been married for a long time, I began cheating on her. On my deathbed, I confessed my many affairs any my wife forgave me."
"Very well my son, you haven't been faithfull, but in the end you were honest to your wife. You will get a New Beetle."
The next one comes forward and says:
"When I had been married for only a few months, I cheated on my wife, one night I had an affair with another women. I felt very bad about it and confessed to my wife. She was very angry with me but we worked it wout and eventually were married happily for more than forty years."
"Very well my son, you strayed but found back to the righteous path quickly enough and remained good. You get an Audi."
The last man goes forward and says:
"From the moment I met my wife, I never laid eyes on another women for all my life. Even after my wife had died, I couldn't think about any women but her."
"My, that is truly admirable! My friend, you get a Mercedes SL!"
The three men are admitted into heaven and climb happily into their cars.
About an hour later, the New Beetle and teh Audi driver see the man who got the Mercedes SL. He is sitting on the hood of his car crying his heart out.
"What's the matter" they ask him "you got the finest ride of all of us!"
"I just saw my wife." he says.
"Isn't that great? Meeting again with your true love in heaven?"
"SHE WAS ON ROLLERSKATES!"

[brockster]

There were two guys on a motercycle driving down the road.
The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper
or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive
anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on
backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were
driving down the road and they came around this curb and
wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told
them what happened.

The police asked him,"are either of them showing any life
signs?"

The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til I turned his
head around the right way."

.....................................................................

[DerGolgo]

A successfull gynaecologist with many years of experience decides it is time to finally make his childhood dream come true and become a motorcycle mechanic. He closes down his practice and enrolls in trade school.
He enjoys every bit of the training and has perfect grades all around.
Finally, he is taking the final exam. The task is to first disassemble an engine, then to reassemble it. For each part of the task, he can get a maximum of 20 points, 40 in total.
The gynaecologist sets about his task, but soon is worried. Time is already half up and all the other candidates are well into reassembling the engine while he only just finished taking it apart. When time is up, he has just managed to tighten the very last bolt.
Worried about his score, he approaches the examiner and asks how he did.
"Well," says the examiner,"I'll give you the full 20 points for dissassemling the engine. I'll also give you the full 20 points for reassembling it. But..."
"But what?" asks the gynaecologist, "What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing. I was just gonna say I'm giving you 20 additional points for doing it all through the exhaust."

[Ames]

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception
committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of
the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the
Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.


After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins
to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent
"Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running
to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and
muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ...
the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

[Flat_Black_Rat]

Engine Repair
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, Hey Doc,
can I ask you a question?

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So Doc,
look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any
damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like
new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big
bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[guzzi]

I looked over to my
left and there was a

woman
in a brand new
Cadillac
doing 65 mph
with her
face up next to her
rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.



I looked away

for a couple seconds

and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
my electric shaver,
which knocked
the donut
out of my other hand.
In all
the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked

my cell phone
away from my ear
which fell
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.


Damn women drivers

[DOF]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?".

[rhinoviper]

Guy walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm and sets it on the bar before ordering a beer. The bartender gives him a funny look. The guy bets him $100 that he can put his nads in the alligators mouth without injury. Before long a crowd has gathered 'round. The bartender takes the bet.

The guy bonks the alligator on the head, and the alligator's mouth opens wide. The guy unzips, lays his manlihood and jewels in the alligator's mouth and bonks it on the head again. The alligator closes his mouth just millimeters shy of the guy's skin. For show, he holds it a few seconds before bonking the alligator on the head again.

"Any other takers?" the guy asks of the crowd around him.

Everyone is looking around when a blonde at the back of the crowd timidly raises her hand. The guy looks questioningly.

"Well, I'll try it...if you promise not to hit me so hard on the head."

[Ban Guzzi]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants
> >her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the
> >breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a
> >secret and the surgeon agreed.
> >
> >Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three Roses
> >carefully placed beside her on the bed.
> >Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor."I thought I asked you not
> >to tell anyone about my operation!"
> >The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
> >that
> >the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this
> >all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in
> >the
> >surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done
> >sometime ago."And what about the third rose?"she asked.
> >
> >"Oh, that rose if from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to
> >thank you for his new ears."
> >

[Ames]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate

when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi,

crushing it to a pulp.



He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the

grass, totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother

would go ballistic.



Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.

He dug it up,polished it and immediately a genie appeared. 'You

have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the
genie.

'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'

'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need,

but let me show you this dog.'



They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the
Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like?'



The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled
out two photos.

'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,' said Prince
Charles,

showing the genie the first photo.

'But now I am married to this woman called Camilla,'

and he showed the genie the second photo.

'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you

think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'



The genie studied the two photographs and after a few

minutes said, 'Let's have another look at the dog'.

[Ban Guzzi]

TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH !!
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

[Ames]

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries. (I also think this applies to parts of Virginia that I've been in).

[Sarah]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Glasgow.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Glasgow area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for....At the crew's first practice session, the Glasgow pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[Ames]

LMFAO! I think those kids once paid me to move my mini to another street because they were afraid other pikers would think they'd actually stolen something that crappy.