I'm really fucking pissed--my wife's friend just got beat up

[Zer0]

Her husband wailed on her last night in front of their twin boys. And she was holding one of them while he was beating her. Fucking pussy. He's in jail now. Getting out soon.

I'm leaving work to help her and my wife with the legalese of the restraining order paperwork.

I want this fucker to pay.

Anyone with experience I could follow up on later? She can't afford an attorney--is that something to worry about?

[Jaeger]

--Jaeger

[Priest]

--Jaeger

+1.

For some things, there is only one solution. Nothing a ski-mask and timing won't rectify.

[guitargeek]

I'd advise her to take advantage of all available social services that apply and for which she qualifies... if these services still exist in California.

She should also be prepared to defend herself and her children by whatever means necessary and appropriate to the situation...

[Mean Chuck]

--Jaeger

I think that is too good for him, you need some open wounds and something that burns for that asshole.

[Jaeger]

--Jaeger

I think that is too good for him, you need some open wounds and something that burns for that asshole.

I didn't say anybody was going to hit the guy with the bat.

Nor, mind you, did I put up a pic of a jar of lube.

--Jaeger

[Rabbit_Fighter]

I'd advise her to take advantage of all available social services that apply and for which she qualifies... if these services still exist in California.

She should also be prepared to defend herself and her children by whatever means necessary and appropriate to the situation...

+1

I have no experience with this kind of thing, but it seems like people often just assume that there are no services available. Social services may not always be customer service oriented, but often there is a lot more out there than people realize. (That has been my experience with drug addiction/rehab anyway). Cops might have some advice there.

Also, depending on where she lives and what the cops are like in her neighborhood, giving them a heads up might be helpful.

This might be more awkward, depending on what her neighbors are like, but making sure that neighbors are aware is a good idea too, so that they know to call the cops if they see his car.

Again, I have no direct experience with this kind of thing, but it gets my blood boiling. Baseball bat fantasies come to all of our minds, but sadly not very realistic.

[guitargeek]

I have no experience with this kind of thing

Anybody want to hear about the fine, clear Sunday morning in 1979 when my estranged stepfather shot his way into the house and tried to murder me and my mother?

[goose]

FIRST, she should go to legal aid for the paperwork. Yes i do them all the fucking time and I hate them. GET HIM SERVED WHILE HE IS IN JAIL. The temporary restraining order and notice to appear must be personally served. Easy when the idiot is in jail.
\
You must allege FACTS of an imminent and credible threat of violence and bodily harm. You must show by CLEAR AND CONVINCING evidence that an order is necessary to prevent bodily harm. EASY where you have witnesses and bruises.

Hard part - A restraining order is a piece of paper. If you will hit your wife you will likely ignore a piece of paper. Sounds like a trip to a battered woman's shelter is in order. There is a psychology to this that must be addressed as well. You don't just start hitting your wife. Usually, it happens after some considerable psychological abuse that she is going to have to face and deal with for the sake of her kids and herself.

[piccini9]

If the baseball bat doesn't leave open wounds, you're using it wrong.

[Moto_Myotis]

Getting a baseball bat or using any form of violence in retaliation is a really bad idea. I can't emphasize this enough.

I used to work with a prison rights group that maintained a lot of information on women prisoners. There are many, many women in prisons and jail right now for retaliating against their aggressors. If this woman can't afford legal counsel, she's all the more likely to get popped for fighting back.

If she files criminal charges or gets a restraining order, she won't really have to pay anything (or at least very little). She should call a battered women's group. They know how to handle this sort of thing.

Anyway, best of luck to her. I'm sorry to hear this.

[Mean Chuck]

Getting a baseball bat or using any form of violence in retaliation is a really bad idea. I can't emphasize this enough.

I used to work with a prison rights group that maintained a lot of information on women prisoners. There are many, many women in prisons and jail right now for retaliating against their aggressors. If this woman can't afford legal counsel, she's all the more likely to get popped for fighting back.

If she files criminal charges or gets a restraining order, she won't really have to pay anything (or at least very little). She should call a battered women's group. They know how to handle this sort of thing.

Anyway, best of luck to her. I'm sorry to hear this.

I am not looking at this legally, just from the principally. Any guy that beats his wife is really bad, in front of the children is worse, while she is holding one is even further beyond that.

As someone who has his earliest memory seeing his dad physically abuse his mom I can tell you that it is a pain like no other, and that won't go away, you can't undo your first memory and I can't forget it no matter how hard I try. No child should ever have to go through that and it pisses me off to no end when I hear about it.

[Jonny]

I don't really have much experience at all with this, but my suggestion would be to document everything: photographs, statements from neighbours who may have heard what was going on, etc. Definitely get in touch with the local battered womens shelter and legal aid.

This is an exceedingly shit situation and I hope she and the kids will be ok.

[Sisyphus]

If it ever comes to an in-extremis situation again, she needs to make sure that hers is the only story to be told when the dust settles.
Execute with extreme prejudice.

[12ci]

nice mix of sound, ration and informed advice, sympathy and revenge.

my suggestion of "a burlap sack and a rope" fits one of those categories, but i'm not sure which.

/*/*/

my wife used to volunteer at our local battered women's shelter. they usually have space for the kids, too.
its a touch harder to violate the restraining order when he does not know where she is.

[Priest]

Getting a baseball bat or using any form of violence in retaliation is a really bad idea. I can't emphasize this enough.

I used to work with a prison rights group that maintained a lot of information on women prisoners. There are many, many women in prisons and jail right now for retaliating against their aggressors. If this woman can't afford legal counsel, she's all the more likely to get popped for fighting back.

If she files criminal charges or gets a restraining order, she won't really have to pay anything (or at least very little). She should call a battered women's group. They know how to handle this sort of thing.

Anyway, best of luck to her. I'm sorry to hear this.

I am not looking at this legally, just from the principally. Any guy that beats his wife is really bad, in front of the children is worse, while she is holding one is even further beyond that.

As someone who has his earliest memory seeing his dad physically abuse his mom I can tell you that it is a pain like no other, and that won't go away, you can't undo your first memory and I can't forget it no matter how hard I try. No child should ever have to go through that and it pisses me off to no end when I hear about it.

It's not a matter of a woman getting a baseball bat and getting herself into trouble. That is a bad idea.

It's more a matter of a woman taking her kids to a safe place where her whereabouts are accounted for, and a good friend breaking into the dicks house in the middle of the night and smashing his limbs and face with a pipe-wrench, and then leaving. Easy-breezy.

Hard part - A restraining order is a piece of paper. If you will hit your wife you will likely ignore a piece of paper. Usually, it happens after some considerable psychological abuse that she is going to have to face and deal with for the sake of her kids and herself.

No offense to your vocation, but this is exactly why my solution is better than the legal routine.

If it ever comes to an in-extremis situation again, she needs to make sure that hers is the only story to be told when the dust settles.
.

+100

[bndgkmf]

Here in beautiful Texas, you can always claim self defense if the other fucker is dead. Shit officer, they broke in and I was in fear for my life!

[Bo_9]

+100 on the get all the legal stuff dotted and crossed.

That definitely saved me from a bad jail related experience.
Had a girlfriend (the live in kind) whose friend was getting beat regularly by her boyfriend. Finally had enough and filed all the reports with pictures and verified dates and times and such. Restraining order issued etc. Few days later said friend is at my house staying until she finds another place and boyfriend shows up. He is greeted at the door by my girlfriend at the time and is told to leave and the door shut. He seemed to think only women were home and kicked the door open. I probably would have beat him to death on the lawn if a neighbor had not pulled me off him after he quit moving. After all the dust settled the deputy had the prior assault charge on him, a squeaky clean record on me, the busted door, and three witnesses that kept me from being arrested. Instead battered guy goes to jail.
The legal trail backed all the witnesses stories so all was good.

Damn I don't even think my wife knows this story (she doesn't read the board, so Sid shut up!). This is the problem with a beer fridge, and a 'puter in the shop.

Realistically if it can be done cleanly I second Priest's idea too, would probably be the most effective and inexpensive soulution.

[MoraleHazard]

Angry.

Do the paperwork; press charges. But this guy needs a beating.

She should also get a gun, not a bat.

[ghost]

I assume that if you want to hit the guy with a bat or a wrench or a pipe or whatever, you probably don't need instructions for how to do that.

Forget him for the moment and focus on her. Be there for her, and perhaps more importantly, be there for your wife, as she's probably rather shaken up by this too. Make sure the friend continues pursuing this through the police, the courts, and social services until she reaches some sort of resolution there. I've known too many people who have had to go through this crap, but I have no specific advice, because different states handle things so dramatically differently. In Virginia, since she's a woman who was hit by a man, she'd likely find it fairly easy to get a restraining order, but in California, perhaps it's not so easy. Just stick with it. By going through the process, if she reaches a satisfactory outcome, she'll have done it, which will go a long way toward restoring a sense of safety and control to her life. Also, by going through the process, she'll hopefully come out with at least a restraining order that will go a long way toward keeping her out of trouble. The douchebag probably got loaded and/or angry and decided to hit his wife. Both of those things pass, and you can always hope that he has a clear enough head now to understand what a restraining order is and that he should stay away from his wife. If he doesn't, and he attacks her again in spite of a restraining order, she'll have a lot more tools at her disposal to royally fuck him in court, or to... y'know... shoot him and have a credible claim of self-defense.

And as much as I like the bat plan, if this guy proves to be the sort who hits his wife and ignores restraining orders, he may also be the sort who gets pissed off at getting put in the hospital for being a wife-beater and decides to take it out on (... you guessed it) his wife. If I were walking into his house with a bat, my plan would be to put him in the morgue, which of course stands to get messy and complicated on so many levels. That's why I've never walked into anyone's house with a bat, despite really wanting to on a couple of occasions.

The best reasonable outcome has a lot to do with the personalities of these two people who I don't know anything about (beyond that the husband beat up the wife). Pursue the legal stuff and focus on her now. If you think she gets short-changed when all is said and done, then you should worry about fucking him over.

[Metalredneck]

My neighbour's son killed his wife in the mid 80's with a bat, in front of the kids. His mom helped clean up & bury her, and the autopsy found she was still breathing when they buried her. He served SEVEN years, and is now working for Chrysler on the Windsor line, remarried, two kids, purebred dog, Harley, new car every year, blah blah blah.

Do the paperwork and don't leave her alone until this fucker is behind bars, or whatever weapons she has will be turned on her.

[Jonny]

My neighbour's son killed his wife in the mid 80's with a bat, in front of the kids. His mom helped clean up & bury her, and the autopsy found she was still breathing when they buried her. He served SEVEN years, and is now working for Chrysler on the Windsor line, remarried, two kids, purebred dog, Harley, new car every year, blah blah blah.

Do the paperwork and don't leave her alone until this fucker is behind bars, or whatever weapons she has will be turned on her.

Fuck me. Horror story.

[Zer0]

Thanks everyone for piping in. And goose--got the message you left. Thanks.

Here's what's up right now, plus more details. Let's call her M. My wife gets a call from M late Monday night, just before the cops got there. I spoke with the cop who examined her and reminded him, respectfully, to document everything in his report--physical signs, her behavior, the 3 yr. old boys' begavior. He said he did and is still doing so.

Turns out the dick also beat M with an alarm clock, and threw a ceramic coffee mug at her, hitting her in the mouth. She was still holding one of the twins at this point. She told the other twin to run downstairs and tell grandma and grandpa. He couldn't move--just frozen. He finally does. M finds a way to get past him, still holding the other boy and runs downstairs to call 911. He comes down, rips phone out of her hand after she can say in broken English something like "please come here." Chaos--everyone yelling, including his parents, who live there as well.

Somehow M gets outside, andstarts screaming help. A neighbor hears her and uses her cell to call 911, she stays with M. 3-4 cars are there in less then 5 mins. Cop Asks if there are guns in house, no. They move in and get him, take him to jail. They see a bruise on her head and document it. They nor she coulsd find no other signs.

Yesterday, Tuesday, while I'm at work, my wife takes M to the county office to get info on shelters and free legal aide. I leave work early to help out. She has little money (he has blown 30-50K on gambling at local casinos ovet the last frew months), and no medical, so I call around to get advice on how toi get med. atttention fopr her. That morning She found a bruise on her inside lower lip, so I insist she go to urgent care to get that documented. My wife takes her to our urgent care, I take our boys home. I call my wife as they're checking her out and I again, respectfully, ask the doc to be as thorough as possible in documenting, as this will go to trial amd the husband's defense attorney will try to tear down the credibility of all documentation.

We urge M to get her shit and move out because his parents are bailing him out today, Wed. We follow her to her house to make sure she gets her stuff, and nothing funny goes down. I also tell her when we get there, to get the alarm clock and coffee mug he used. I don't trust her parents in law, so I'm short and curt with them. Her husband is still indeed in jail, so I go outside to eat a sandwich my wife got me, and pull a smoke. One of the neighbors, I'm guessing, comes out and sees me by my bike eating, still wearing my armor and asks if I'm with M. I say yes. He says he wishes her husband could see me here soon. "So do I," I said. He smiles and leaves. "Good," he says.

Now for the good part:

She doesn't want to press charges or get a divorce. She loves him and hopes he'll change and doesn't want to cause trouble.

I want to punch myself in the face when I hear this.

She also isn't leaving the house, even though he's getting out the next day. They're both in line to get green cards, and she doesn't want to jeopardize her or his chances. I'm mute at this point.

My wife teaches chinese in the mornings and fortunately she forgot her lesson plan's ijn M's van, so M comes by this morning to drop them off. They boys are still in their pajamas. I finish feeding our boys as my wife talks to her in Taiwanese. I understand some Mandarin, but next to nothing in Taiwanese. I interrupt and tell her to tell M to press charges on the fucker. "Stop cussing, " is all my wife says. They talk more. My wife leaves for the school with our boys. I gear up for my ride to work, and I notice they go upstairs and start playing. I also look in her van and see bags of kids clother, and a couple bags of her stuff, and she's still there when I leave.

My wife did tell me before she left that M is indeed going to file a restraining order and get custody of the boys, but still doesn't want to press charges. I'm gonna work on her when I get home and give her all I got to press charges. I will not relent.

But she loves him, doesn't want any trouble, and hopes he can change. I told her he started the trouble long ago with the verbal threats, and someone is going to have to make it stop.

That's that for now.

[goose]

That's why i stated she should get some counseling. It's "battered woman's syndrome." Things won't change for very long. It will go back to the way it was just more underground. This condition does not happen over night and does not change over night either. It's like helping a drowning person.... put the stick in the water and hope she reaches for it..... don't jump in with her.

[Zer0]

We're getting her in touch with the Asian Pacific Legal Center for counseling in Chinese.

I'm also going to stress that something needs to change--if not for her sake, then the boys. She can not allow her boys to be put in harm's way, and if he's willling to beat her while she's holding their child--he's fucked up, and would have no problems doing it again.

He's a petite one too, so maybe he learned something these days in county.

[MoraleHazard]

Rat fucking bastard.

[Zer0]

Forget him for the moment and focus on her. Be there for her, and perhaps more importantly, be there for your wife, as she's probably rather shaken up by this too.

Ypou are spot on, Kommand--I don't like to get involved, but I am because she's nice. But more importantly, it's affecting my wife, bringing back some dark and ugly fucked up childhood memories. This is now beginning to affect her sleep--the haunting is keeping her awake. If this affects my wife even more, I'm going to take this personally.

[Zer0]

Good. Bail is $50,000. His parents don"t have that kind of money (they would have if he hadn't gambled the shit away). His sister's trying to rustle something up--won't be today.

[GOSTAZ]

I agree that you have to work with the wife, that is job one. But sooner or later some buddies need to get together and school this fucktard. Wifebeaters don't get the bat... they get the hammer to the dominant hand.

[monstergirl]

Someone needs to castrate that guy.

Glad to hear she has good friends like you and your wife to stick up for her. Sounds like she really needs people like you right now.

Best of luck to her.