For your amusement...or, just fucking shoot me now

[xaos]

The last few months have found me single for the first time in nearly 6 years. This places me in the precarious situation of wanting to seek out new girls to intermingle with. I was never very good at this in the first place, and now it seems as though it’s been a really long time since those sort of people skills were laid by the way side. In fact, I feel one of the major bonuses to a long term relationship is that you get to avoid the calamity of dating.

Never the less, I’ve pursued the opposite sex with the intensity of a bounty hunter after dangerous and lucrative fugitives. Long, profound and fire-water-fueled evenings have become common, as have sore cheeks and bellies from the punctuated laughter. Not to mention the intoxication that accompanies liaisons with new and intriguing women, each with their unique softness and aromatic lure.

Fast forward to last week, and the start of the new semester; I run into a girl who was in my modern Middle Eastern history class last term. We’ll just call her Falon, because well, that’s her name and it’s different and everyone should be aware of it.

Falon is really cute, and has limitless energy that I can only describe as “spunk”. I enjoyed being in class with her and figured I’d see if she would like to get together sometime. She agrees and we exchange numbers.

Several hours later, driving home in a veritable blizzard, Falon calls wanting to know if id like to go and get a beer. Within minutes, I’m directed to her nearby apartment where she bounds into my truck.

Instantly, I sense that there’s something “different” going on here. Then I realize the situation; she’s shitfaced. Completely drunk. Blato. And is talking all sorts of weird shit about her childhood; like how she had cancer several times and possesses the ability to cure herself of most any disease. This is when she drops, what should have been, a major warning sign: that she was fucking abducted by fucking aliens when she was four fucking years old!

She was only a little put off when I told her that I was “skeptical” of her experience, but was distracted by the fact that we were at the bar and could start (continue!) drinking. After the second beer, and further interesting conversation; a group of, seemingly, gay men came and sat at the table next to us. This must have been to Falon’s dismay, as she proceeded to tap the closest guy on the shoulder and tell him that she “loves gay people, but HATES FAGS” and that her “uncle was a FAG and died of AIDS.”

I have no idea what is happening at this point, all I know is that I have a drunk, hot girl that is being overly flirtatious with me and that we gotta go. Sure, shes crazy, but that’s part of the ride, right?

We make our way down the street to a hippy bar. You know, the kind of place where you could throw a barstool through a window and the staff would just say “hey man, that’s not cooool.” They’re closing early, but the super kind, hippy bartender says she’d be honored to serve us one while they clean up. I excuse myself to the lavatory, only to arrive back a few minutes later to find Falon screaming at the, obviously terrified, bartender. I quickly plop a twenty down on the bar for the two beers and usher my “companion” out into the street.

When we get outside, she says that she owes me a beer for the one that I just had to walk out on and convinces me to run down the street to catch last call at the local chain shitbox. I relent and as soon as were in the joint she starts yelling that she wants to do shots!

Shots done, Falon goes on to apologize for her erratic behavior and implies that she isn’t normally like this. At which point she confides to me that she's had a horrible day and that this is the four year anniversary of her father’s death. Within seconds, she is sobbing, with her head in her hands, standing at the bar.

I get it now, to steal a page from Priests book; she’s a badly broken wing. I actually start to feel bad for her and say that it’s time to go home. We begin the several block trek back to my vehicle only to discover, in short order, that my keys are missing. All the places we just were are closed and it’s still blizzarding. Falon freaks out and accuses me of trying to take advantage of her and all sorts of other lewd things. She insists that I “planned to get her drunk” and how I “conveniently” lost my keys.

In spite of my efforts to control my rage, this is where I snap. If she had been a man and spoke to me in this manner, I’d of been tempted to violence. Instead, I yelled at her, just as I was taught to yell at people as a soldier; the way I’ve been deprogramming myself from for the last several years: “I’m going to get myself out of this situation. If you want to be part of the solution, you’ll shut your fucking face hole and divert your eyes from me for the duration.”

For the first time, maybe ever, Falon had nothing to say.

The saving grace of the evening is in that my dear friend Horshack (he looks just like Horshack from Welcome Back Cotter) was willing to come and drive me and my date home, through the brutal Michigan tundra, and then back once my extra set of keys were procured. This took over three hours in his clapped out 1987 bald tire Toyota deathcage.

When I poured Falon into her apartment, she wouldn’t let me go until I promised to call her… I haven’t.

I breached my door that morning with a mere 12 minutes to spare before my alarm clock went berserk and I was off to work for another full day in the machine shop.

[guitargeek]

I'm reminded of the old joke...

Q: What do women and parking spaces have in common?
A: All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

(Girls say the same thing about men.)

[SSCAM]

Great story. I think we have all met that girl/guy.

[thrasherbill]

I'm reminded of the old joke...

Q: What do women and parking spaces have in common?
A: All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Thrasherbill likes this.

Sure, shes crazy, but that’s part of the ride, right?

Oh man have I been there, done that!

[piccini9]

Dammnn... wow. Just, wow.

[SomeMook]

Danger Will Robinson. But you know that already.

Look at it this way, at least you fond this out at the outset, not a few months into a relationship.

[Flatline]

Girls are crazy and cost more then motorcycles.

[dozer]

Kickstand or tits-it's going to piss you off. Consider yourself lucky you got a sorta funny but mostly fucked up story out of it instead of sorta funny but mostly fucked up relationship..You should still penis her though

[Sisyphus]

Yeah, well, now you know. She's wacky. But they're all wacky. You just have to find out what level of wackiness you're willing to put up with.

[Rock]

can i get her #?

[The Shifty Jesus]

I don't know. I kind of count that as a win of sorts. Similar to the time That One Girl, Goose and I attended (unknown to us) the world's most horrific burlesque show in San Francisco: I was somewhat scarred and horrified at the experience, but it is one that I will never forget and always find funny for the rest of my life.

Instead, I yelled at her, just as I was taught to yell at people as a soldier; the way I’ve been deprogramming myself from for the last several years: “I’m going to get myself out of this situation. If you want to be part of the solution, you’ll shut your fucking face hole and divert your eyes from me for the duration.”

That is going right in my pocket to be pulled out someday at the most opportune moment. I guess some good things really do come out of military service. I am very slow to burn and hesitant to ever get up in someone's business, but on the very rare occasion it happens I prefer to be as loathsome and offensive as possible. Sometime words need to be wielded like a spiked fucking bat.

[Pancake]

The only thing that I can think of that will make your story better is if she randomly shows up on your doorstep with a freshly shorn X downstairs.

Too bad her self healing abilities don't seem to mend her psychosis.

[UndertheGun]

Probably not a good idea to use her real name publicly on the internets.

Don't let this keep you from exercising your recently acquired singleness, GG's joke isn't the case from my experiences.

[tumbler]

I'm reminded of the old joke...

Q: What do women and parking spaces have in common?
A: All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

(Girls say the same thing about men.)

Q: What do women and parking spaces have in common?
A: They are whores and liars.


anyway. thats one hell of a story. and you totally have made my morning.

[Sisyphus]

sounds like someone has issues

[xaos]

For what it's worth, it's been my experience that the amount of totally batshit insanity a gal brings to the table is exactly proportionate to how much of a superfreak she is in the sack.

Just sayin.

there in lies the dilema

to bad i just dont't find her very attractive after witnessing how she treats other people.

BUT...i was pretty liqoured up last night and i did respond to her txt message. maybe yall will be in for a second chapter of No One Can Love You Like A Crazy Person.

[Ban Guzzi]

to bad i just dont't find her very attractive after witnessing how she treats other people.

And you are next. Garaun-fucking-teed! In spades.


Been there, done that, not worth it.

Crazy is fun, psycho gets you in trouble, drains your wallet and incinerates your psyche in short order. I have female friends who are crazy and fun and female friends who are psych-fucks like you described. I wouldn't fuck the psycho girls with the cut off dick of an enemy.

Even the weird, perverted level of sex turned up to 11 is not worth it.

You've been in a relationship for a bit. Might take you a bit to get over the 'fun' of girls like this.

I'd rather cut my wang off than deal with anymore crazy ass "hot chicks" ever again.
Your setting yourself up for trouble. Break out the asbestos shorts and the prescription for the soon to be burning peepee....


and have a friend hold the bail money you will need. seriously.

[calamari kid]

to bad i just dont't find her very attractive after witnessing how she treats other people.

And you are next. Garaun-fucking-teed! In spades.


Been there, done that, not worth it.

Crazy is fun, psycho gets you in trouble, drains your wallet and incinerates your psyche in short order. I have female friends who are crazy and fun and female friends who are psych-fucks like you described. I wouldn't fuck the psycho girls with the cut off dick of an enemy.

Even the weird, perverted level of sex turned up to 11 is not worth it.

You've been in a relationship for a bit. Might take you a bit to get over the 'fun' of girls like this.

I'd rather cut my wang off than deal with anymore crazy ass "hot chicks" ever again.
Your setting yourself up for trouble. Break out the asbestos shorts and the prescription for the soon to be burning peepee....


and have a friend hold the bail money you will need. seriously.

And a video camera, be sure to take a video camera.

[goose]

I don't know. I kind of count that as a win of sorts. Similar to the time That One Girl, Goose and I attended (unknown to us) the world's most horrific burlesque show in San Francisco: I was somewhat scarred and horrified at the experience, but it is one that I will never forget and always find funny for the rest of my life.

Instead, I yelled at her, just as I was taught to yell at people as a soldier; the way I’ve been deprogramming myself from for the last several years: “I’m going to get myself out of this situation. If you want to be part of the solution, you’ll shut your fucking face hole and divert your eyes from me for the duration.”

That is going right in my pocket to be pulled out someday at the most opportune moment. I guess some good things really do come out of military service. I am very slow to burn and hesitant to ever get up in someone's business, but on the very rare occasion it happens I prefer to be as loathsome and offensive as possible. Sometime words need to be wielded like a spiked fucking bat.

bwahaha!! indeed! for some reason the same thought occurred to me. perhaps she was a former member of said dance troop.

once i made the mistake of using a first date's bathroom and in full display were medicine bottles with every variety of "ine" (thoraazine, gabbapentine, etc) knnown to man. every neuron in my brain screamed run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. i didn't and will never forget that horrifying two week "relationship" which should have concluded in a restraining order and charges filed. i was certain she was going to show up as a participant of said burlesque fiasco. perhhaps she moved to michigan

[Priest]

Me being me, I've had a disproportionate amount of experience (relative to others I've met) with The Broken Wing. In fact I may have met this specific example of the breed you've mentioned at one point, as she sounds very familiar. However, there are certain universal characteristics that go hand in hand with dysfunction and damage, so to distinguish individual examples becomes difficult.

My own history with The Broken Wing says that the best thing to do is move, change your phone number, or possibly check yourself into the Witness Protection Program. Failing that, I recommend fire.

Should you decide to bang this unfortunate girl, you may well be crafting your own doom. That's for you to put on the scale and weigh - the short term benefits of a girl so clearly malfunctioning that sack-time depravity is nearly a given, versus the long-haul misery and despair and woe of being haunted by said girl for all eternity. I'd opt to run.

However, you handled the adventure wonderfully. Personally, I'd have dragged the young wreck into her apartment by her hair, and given her a stern "talking to" about how entering the 10 digits of my number into her phone ever again, from that moment forward, would result in her face being emblazoned on the back of a milk carton under the caption "Have You Seen Me?"

[erosvamp]

Yes... many, many women are fucking nuts. I tend to be batshit crazy for about 48 hours every month. During that time, either give me everything I say I want -read coddle me- or make your excuses and leave me the fuck alone. If you do not do one of these options, boy are you in for a treat. The beauty is... I can usually give a five day window as to when this is going to happen.

You just have to find out what level of wackiness you're willing to put up with.

Couldn't agree more. Same goes for men... it's not wackiness though. It's either their maturity level or problems with selfishness.

The really super nice guys who give you anything you want tend to be fucking boring. Granted, there is less fighting in those relationships but ultimately they don't last. At least not for me.

I will take passion over stability any day of the week. However, a little stability can go a long way.


Oh! If you honestly know how to press a womens buttons- read manipulate the situation to get what you want- you can usually convince her to "get freaky" in the sack. Please do not read rape.
Relationships are about give and take.
So if you want butt sex and she wants a new coffee table... meet her half way. Give her what she wants and you will get what you want.

[Sisyphus]

You just have to find out what level of wackiness you're willing to put up with.

Couldn't agree more. Same goes for men... it's not wackiness though. It's either their maturity level or problems with selfishness.

The really super nice guys who give you anything you want tend to be fucking boring. Granted, there is less fighting in those relationships but ultimately they don't last. At least not for me.

I will take passion over stability any day of the week. However, a little stability can go a long way.

I concur 100%. If, however, we had ever met it never would've worked. I am very boring, and that would've turned one of us into a stalker.

[goose]

wrong for you in all the right ways

[SSCAM]

Relationships are about give and take.
So if you want butt sex and she wants a new coffee table... meet her half way. Give her what she wants and you will get what you want.

Yeah, just like hookers. Give her money and she'll fuck you stupid.

[Jaeger]

For what it's worth, it's been my experience that the amount of totally batshit insanity a gal brings to the table is exactly proportionate to how much of a superfreak she is in the sack.

Just sayin.

+1,000,000

I'm so happy someone said it before I had to.

However -- Priest (and a few others) are spot on: Run, fucker, run. Priest said it best -- the Broken Wing Club... you already know if you're a member, and you know what you get when you buy damaged goods...

Anyway. Well played, but don't fall in.

--Jaeger

[erosvamp]

You just have to find out what level of wackiness you're willing to put up with.

Couldn't agree more. Same goes for men... it's not wackiness though. It's either their maturity level or problems with selfishness.

The really super nice guys who give you anything you want tend to be fucking boring. Granted, there is less fighting in those relationships but ultimately they don't last. At least not for me.

I will take passion over stability any day of the week. However, a little stability can go a long way.

I concur 100%. If, however, we had ever met it never would've worked. I am very boring, and that would've turned one of us into a stalker.

? I had a dream last night that some chick called me a stalker because every place i went to she was also there. Weird. I had to explain to her that there were only four places I could go and it was by chance she was always where i went. "I am not stalking you, sure you're cute but i am not stalking you."

I am not a stalker but i could be if you bought me a coffee table.

anonyMatt, it doesn't necessarily have to be about money. It is about what the other person wants. Shit, who doesn't like to feel special?

[Zim]

Anyway. Well played, but don't fall in.

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[motorpsycho67]

I had a dream last night that I was trying to take a shower on a crowded city bus. There I was buck naked with a wash cloth and people were gettin in my way. Nobody seemed to mind me bein nekkid though. Weird.

[Sisyphus]

And you got to your stop and got off, but realized you left your clothes on the bus as it took off? And you tried to run but you couldn't move your legs fast enought? Then your mom showed up and asked you what you were doing but your teeth fell out and you looked around and Sister Mary Francis was standing there with the ruler and the Coke bottle and you couldn't talk, right? Then the banana patch was cleared of spiders by the black helicopters and the gnomes, and it was all good. Then you woke up?

[Zim]

And you got to your stop and got off, but realized you left your clothes on the bus as it took off? And you tried to run but you couldn't move your legs fast enought? Then your mom showed up and asked you what you were doing but your teeth fell out and you looked around and Sister Mary Francis was standing there with the ruler and the Coke bottle and you couldn't talk, right? Then the banana patch was cleared of spiders by the black helicopters and the gnomes, and it was all good. Then you woke up?

Bartender, I'll have what he's having.