One of my students sent this to me this weekend:
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &diagonal referred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD &defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee
3. Send in Seal Team
4. Drink Coffee.
5. Deploy Marines (with Seal Team intel.)
6. Pick up Seal Team and Marines after objective is Destroyed
7. Drink Coffee
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Upside: this should reduce the load of database.
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this will zero the unread anything for you, so you can strive forth into the exciting world of the new cookie thing.
Because the board got shutdown again because of a load of database, I had to fettle with the settings again.
As part of that, the server no longer stores what topics you have or haven't read.
IT IS STILL RECORDED!
But now, that information lives in a delicious cookie, rather than the forum database.
Upside: this should reduce the load of database.
Downside: if you use multiple devices to access the board, or you reject delicious cookies, you won't always have that information cookie. But the New Posts feature should take care of that.
PLEASE NOTIFY THE ADMINISTERRERRERR ABOUT ANY PROBLEMS!
2024 LOGIN/Posting ISSUES
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If you cannot Debauch because you get an IP blacklist error, try Debauching again time. It may work immediately, it may take a few attempts. It will work eventually, I don't think I had to click debauch more than three times. Someone is overzealous at our hosting company, but only on the first couple of attempts.
If you have problems logging in, posting, or doing anything else, please get in touch.
You know the email (if you don't, see in the registration info below), you know where to find the Administerrerrerr on the Midget Circus.
Some unpleasant miscreant was firing incessant database queries at our server, which forced the Legal Department of our hosting company, via their Abuse subdivision, to shut us down. No I have none.
All I can do it button the hatches, and tighten up a few things. Such as time limits on how long you may take to compose a post and hit Debauch! As of 24/01/10, I've set that at 30 minutes for now.
To restrict further overloads, any unregistered users had to be locked out.
How do we know who is or isn't an unregistered user?
By forcing anyone who wants in to Log In.
Is that annoying?
Yes. But there's only so much the Administerrerrerr can do to keep this place running.
Again, if you have any problems: get in touch.
REGISTRATION! NEW USERS!
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Joke....where is our sticky?
-
Ames
- Megachiroptera Übermench
- Location: Denver, CO in MY OWN DAMN HOUSE!
- Contact:
-
Gungnir
- Maltov Rattlecan
- Location: walterboro sc
- Contact:
-
Zer0
- Professor of Poop
- Location: Smoggy Valley--east of Smog City
I shared this with a coworker, who was Army, and fought in Fallloujah. He kepy cackling: "That is so fucking true--all we do is bitc bitch bitch. And we never listened to the 2nd Lt. You listen to the Platoon Sgt or Squad leader to stay alive."
He also said most of the Marine stuff sounds right, and the Navy, Chair Force, Seal and Ranger was spot on.
Ames, he said your student did a good job--funny and spot on.
He also said most of the Marine stuff sounds right, and the Navy, Chair Force, Seal and Ranger was spot on.
Ames, he said your student did a good job--funny and spot on.
'74 R90/6--Thor
'05 Sportster 1200--FrankenRat
'05 Sportster 1200--FrankenRat
My boy D when he was 4 wrote:Bones aren't important--we like motorcycles.
High Kommand wrote:That's the problem with giving a bike a girl's name. Too much temptation to lay it down to examine the undercarriage...
-
12ci
- Ayatollah of Mayhem
- Location: Rive Gauche Anacostia
Prince Charles is visiting a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of
patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The
patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The
patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the
next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The
patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The
patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the
next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
-
goose
- Pâté de Foie Gras
- Location: Foggy Peninsula West of Oakland and South of Marin
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his
limousine when he saw two men along the road-
side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with
me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned
to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"
limousine when he saw two men along the road-
side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with
me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned
to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"
Drink triples til you're seeing double, feeling single, and looking for trouble! -Johnny Nitro, RIP
"British bikes of that era are made of a special alloy known as Brittainium. It is the only metal known to be able to rust even when fully submerged in oil. It also corrodes microscopic passages through itself whenever it makes contact with any known gasketing material." - AZ Rider
Re: Husaberg Build: "I pictured it more like the heroin addicted ex that keeps turning up, the bleeding you dry, breaking your heart, and crushing your soul, but you keep taking her back because it's the most fun ride you've ever had..." Bo-9
"British bikes of that era are made of a special alloy known as Brittainium. It is the only metal known to be able to rust even when fully submerged in oil. It also corrodes microscopic passages through itself whenever it makes contact with any known gasketing material." - AZ Rider
Re: Husaberg Build: "I pictured it more like the heroin addicted ex that keeps turning up, the bleeding you dry, breaking your heart, and crushing your soul, but you keep taking her back because it's the most fun ride you've ever had..." Bo-9
-
elem
- Maltov Rattlecan
- Location: murderapplesauce, mn
- Contact:
-
Flatline
- Ayatollah of Mayhem
- Location: Seattle
- Contact:
Scumbag came home the other day and his girlfriend was pissed.
She was in her room packing her things and started to scream at him as he walked in the door.
Scummy starts to talk to her, "Whoa, whoa...easy. Whats wrong baby?" To which she responded, "I can't take it anymore. I'm leaving! People are saying all kinds of nasty things about you!"
"What are they saying?" he asked now upset as well.
She replied, "They...they called you a pedophile."
And Scumdangit sez, "Now that's an awfully big word for a 12 year old!"
See you Monday buddy!
She was in her room packing her things and started to scream at him as he walked in the door.
Scummy starts to talk to her, "Whoa, whoa...easy. Whats wrong baby?" To which she responded, "I can't take it anymore. I'm leaving! People are saying all kinds of nasty things about you!"
"What are they saying?" he asked now upset as well.
She replied, "They...they called you a pedophile."
And Scumdangit sez, "Now that's an awfully big word for a 12 year old!"
See you Monday buddy!
You build it, we break it.
-
ninemileskid
- Magnum Jihad
-
Sonic Rob
- El Asbestos Pajamas
- Location: Oakland
- Contact:
God, it's funny cause it's true. As a civilian contractor I've visited 4 AF bases in the last year, and no matter what hellishly blasted desert landscape I find myself in there's always cold liquor, cable, and at least 9 holes of beautifully manicured golf on hand; your tax dollars at work.Ames wrote: US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD &defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
And no joke, the Air Force loves Power Point. Every piece of official USAF info I get comes in .ppt format, all of it. It's like no matter how dry or trivial the information, they want to be ready in case it needs to be projected on a wall in front of 100 people at a moment's notice.
-
DerGolgo
- Zaphod's Zeitgeist
- Location: Potato
You mean they have a special powerpoint presentation for the three minute warning?Sonic Rob wrote:And no joke, the Air Force loves Power Point. Every piece of official USAF info I get comes in .ppt format, all of it. It's like no matter how dry or trivial the information, they want to be ready in case it needs to be projected on a wall in front of 100 people at a moment's notice.
If there were absolutely anything to be afraid of, don't you think I would have worn pants?
I said I have a big stick.
I said I have a big stick.
-
Sonic Rob
- El Asbestos Pajamas
- Location: Oakland
- Contact:
I think there's probably a powerpoint for everything from finding the nearest bathroom on base to losing the nuclear football.DerGolgo wrote:You mean they have a special powerpoint presentation for the three minute warning?Sonic Rob wrote:And no joke, the Air Force loves Power Point. Every piece of official USAF info I get comes in .ppt format, all of it. It's like no matter how dry or trivial the information, they want to be ready in case it needs to be projected on a wall in front of 100 people at a moment's notice.
-
Flatline
- Ayatollah of Mayhem
- Location: Seattle
- Contact:
-
UndertheGun
- Barista of Doom
- Location: Seattle/Olympia
- Contact:
lol
Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML
Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML
-
piccini9
- Everybody dies. It's a love story.
Please tell me this really happened. Pretty please?UndertheGun wrote:lol
Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML
Adding pink and unicorns makes everything better.
-roadmissile
Treatment may include things like riding motorcycles and crocheting… whatever it takes to counteract the deleterious effects of existence. - Rolly
-roadmissile
Treatment may include things like riding motorcycles and crocheting… whatever it takes to counteract the deleterious effects of existence. - Rolly
-
xtian
- Le coureur de lames chasse Tinti...
- Location: belgium
- Contact:
-
thrasherbill
- Burninator of the Dirt Oval
- Location: The Ranch, Langley, B.C. eh
- Contact:
I spotted an older woman at a bar last night. She was not too bad for 57. We drank a bit, got a little frisky & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
KZ's are for assholes... - scumbag
Well, if KZ riders are assholes, and CB riders are fucktards, I guess Buell riders can forthwith be known as cunts. - guitargeek
I cannot brain today, I have the dumb. - piccini9
In other news, I want to have sex with your bike. - Beemer Dan
A beard, it's like tits for your face. - MagnusTheBuilder
Well, if KZ riders are assholes, and CB riders are fucktards, I guess Buell riders can forthwith be known as cunts. - guitargeek
I cannot brain today, I have the dumb. - piccini9
In other news, I want to have sex with your bike. - Beemer Dan
A beard, it's like tits for your face. - MagnusTheBuilder
-
thrasherbill
- Burninator of the Dirt Oval
- Location: The Ranch, Langley, B.C. eh
- Contact:
If you can't find the book you want
You're probably shopping at the
You're probably shopping at the
KZ's are for assholes... - scumbag
Well, if KZ riders are assholes, and CB riders are fucktards, I guess Buell riders can forthwith be known as cunts. - guitargeek
I cannot brain today, I have the dumb. - piccini9
In other news, I want to have sex with your bike. - Beemer Dan
A beard, it's like tits for your face. - MagnusTheBuilder
Well, if KZ riders are assholes, and CB riders are fucktards, I guess Buell riders can forthwith be known as cunts. - guitargeek
I cannot brain today, I have the dumb. - piccini9
In other news, I want to have sex with your bike. - Beemer Dan
A beard, it's like tits for your face. - MagnusTheBuilder
-
Disastermined
- Maltov Rattlecan
- Location: Madison
- Contact:
A man walks into a bar, gets himself drunk on tequila and swaggers home at the end of the night. He repeats this every week for a couple of months, then one day he comes in and orders a beer instead.
Bartender: "why the change from tequila?"
The guy: "Well, I finally got sick of tequila making me so sick I blow chunks"
Bartender: "Yeah, that's understandable, tequila will make most anyone puke"
The guy: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog"
Bartender: "why the change from tequila?"
The guy: "Well, I finally got sick of tequila making me so sick I blow chunks"
Bartender: "Yeah, that's understandable, tequila will make most anyone puke"
The guy: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog"
94 Kawasaki Vulcan 750
We're all mad here!
We're all mad here!
-
thrasherbill
- Burninator of the Dirt Oval
- Location: The Ranch, Langley, B.C. eh
- Contact:
Two new members of a hunting lodge got introduced to the oldest member.
They asked him to tell some of his favorite hunting stories.
"Well back in 1944," says the old man, "we went big game hunting. Didn't have much luck at first. While I was sitting by this tree I heard this noise. All of a sudden this big lion jumps out and roars at me - ROOOOOAAAAAR! Well, I just shit my pants."
The young men are amazed. One of them says, "I don't blame you, I'd shit my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that.
The old man shakes his head and says, "no no no, not then... just now, when I said ROOOAAAR!"
They asked him to tell some of his favorite hunting stories.
"Well back in 1944," says the old man, "we went big game hunting. Didn't have much luck at first. While I was sitting by this tree I heard this noise. All of a sudden this big lion jumps out and roars at me - ROOOOOAAAAAR! Well, I just shit my pants."
The young men are amazed. One of them says, "I don't blame you, I'd shit my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that.
The old man shakes his head and says, "no no no, not then... just now, when I said ROOOAAAR!"
KZ's are for assholes... - scumbag
Well, if KZ riders are assholes, and CB riders are fucktards, I guess Buell riders can forthwith be known as cunts. - guitargeek
I cannot brain today, I have the dumb. - piccini9
In other news, I want to have sex with your bike. - Beemer Dan
A beard, it's like tits for your face. - MagnusTheBuilder
Well, if KZ riders are assholes, and CB riders are fucktards, I guess Buell riders can forthwith be known as cunts. - guitargeek
I cannot brain today, I have the dumb. - piccini9
In other news, I want to have sex with your bike. - Beemer Dan
A beard, it's like tits for your face. - MagnusTheBuilder
-
sweetpea
- Maltov Rattlecan
- Location: Richmond
- Contact:
I know this is an old joke but still makes me giggle 
INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
dachshund must be german for 'insane dog'
-
sweetpea
- Maltov Rattlecan
- Location: Richmond
- Contact:
-
Jaeger
- Baron von Scrapple
- Location: NoVA
- Contact:
!
-
Zer0
- Professor of Poop
- Location: Smoggy Valley--east of Smog City
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he slowly picked up his cane and turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. May I ask your name?"
"Shlomo Fishbein," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years,” he replied.
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. May I ask your name?"
"Shlomo Fishbein," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years,” he replied.
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
'74 R90/6--Thor
'05 Sportster 1200--FrankenRat
'05 Sportster 1200--FrankenRat
My boy D when he was 4 wrote:Bones aren't important--we like motorcycles.
High Kommand wrote:That's the problem with giving a bike a girl's name. Too much temptation to lay it down to examine the undercarriage...
-
piccini9
- Everybody dies. It's a love story.
Knock-Knock...
Who's there?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady Who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
Who's there?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady Who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
Adding pink and unicorns makes everything better.
-roadmissile
Treatment may include things like riding motorcycles and crocheting… whatever it takes to counteract the deleterious effects of existence. - Rolly
-roadmissile
Treatment may include things like riding motorcycles and crocheting… whatever it takes to counteract the deleterious effects of existence. - Rolly
-
Bigshankhank
- Fully Autonomous Cock-Puncher
- Location: Exiled to Living in a Van Down By The River
- Contact:
groan......piccini9 wrote:Knock-Knock...
Who's there?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady Who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
It's time for Humankind to ditch the imaginary friends of our species' childhood and grow the fuck up.
-Davros
"Lasse mich deine Seele dem Herrscher der Finsternis opfern"
Let me sacrifice your soul to the ruler of darkness
Always carry a bottle of whiskey when you travel in case of a snakebite. Futhermore, always carry a small snake.
-Davros
"Lasse mich deine Seele dem Herrscher der Finsternis opfern"
Let me sacrifice your soul to the ruler of darkness
Always carry a bottle of whiskey when you travel in case of a snakebite. Futhermore, always carry a small snake.
-
Zer0
- Professor of Poop
- Location: Smoggy Valley--east of Smog City
A World War II pilot from Brooklyn was reminiscing before school children about a hairy dogfight he was involved in with German pilots.
"The situation was looking grim," he said. "There I was, flying along, when all of a sudden I'm surrounded by them German fokkers. I look at three o'clock and there's two fokkers...I look at twelve o'clock, and there's two more fokkers coming toward me. I look behind me at six o'clock, and there's three more fokkers--"
By this point, several of the children can't stop giggling, so the teacher interrupts the pilot. "I think you should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a type of aircraft made by the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true" says the pilot, "only these fokkers was Messerschmitts!"
"The situation was looking grim," he said. "There I was, flying along, when all of a sudden I'm surrounded by them German fokkers. I look at three o'clock and there's two fokkers...I look at twelve o'clock, and there's two more fokkers coming toward me. I look behind me at six o'clock, and there's three more fokkers--"
By this point, several of the children can't stop giggling, so the teacher interrupts the pilot. "I think you should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a type of aircraft made by the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true" says the pilot, "only these fokkers was Messerschmitts!"
'74 R90/6--Thor
'05 Sportster 1200--FrankenRat
'05 Sportster 1200--FrankenRat
My boy D when he was 4 wrote:Bones aren't important--we like motorcycles.
High Kommand wrote:That's the problem with giving a bike a girl's name. Too much temptation to lay it down to examine the undercarriage...
-
DerGolgo
- Zaphod's Zeitgeist
- Location: Potato
Zer0 wrote:A World War II pilot from Brooklyn was reminiscing before school children about a hairy dogfight he was involved in with German pilots.
"The situation was looking grim," he said. "There I was, flying along, when all of a sudden I'm surrounded by them German fokkers. I look at three o'clock and there's two fokkers...I look at twelve o'clock, and there's two more fokkers coming toward me. I look behind me at six o'clock, and there's three more fokkers--"
By this point, several of the children can't stop giggling, so the teacher interrupts the pilot. "I think you should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a type of aircraft made by the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true" says the pilot, "only these fokkers was Messerschmitts!"
If there were absolutely anything to be afraid of, don't you think I would have worn pants?
I said I have a big stick.
I said I have a big stick.