"Interesting Facts about Chuck Norris"

Jaeger · Post by **Jaeger** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 12:00 pm

[This was swiped from a post on www.bonnevilleamerica.com]

Who doesn’t love Chuck Norris???

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ****** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and ****** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. >

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the ****** out of little kids.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead

--Jaeger

gazza · Post by **gazza** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 2:14 pm

Man, for some reason I am really diggin Chuck Norris.

SidVicious · Post by **SidVicious** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 2:16 pm

that is some funny shit.

Post by **DerGolgo** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 2:31 pm

Okay, I just barfed a little in my mouth from laughing. Thanks, man!

red · Post by **red** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 6:05 am

holy crap! that's great, thanks man

Photo · Post by **Photo** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 11:01 pm

The station I work for airs "Walker Texas Ranger". Most folks I work with laughed hard as they read this.

There's some wierd stuff out there about Chuck...and I'm not just talking about his singing career.

http://www.nationallampoon.com/hubs/bot ... nd_Me.html

Rabbit_Fighter · Post by **Rabbit_Fighter** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 11:07 pm

I read this before and thought it was very funny, but for some reason decided to read them again after a half a bottle of wine, a glass of brandy, and a glass of scotch. Now this is fucking hilarious.

Jaeger · Post by **Jaeger** » Sat Nov 19, 2005 3:12 pm

I shall now up the ante.

See the Roy Orbison in Clingfilm post.

You have been warned.

--Jaeger

Dobbs · Post by **Dobbs** » Mon Nov 21, 2005 2:12 pm

Fuckin' Chuck Norris!!!

red · Post by **red** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 12:18 pm

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of
light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific
Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn´t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he
wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you
ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta
Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this
"glitch," Norris replied, "That´s no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased
13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris´ beard. There is only another fist.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

lifeon2 · Post by **lifeon2** » Thu Dec 15, 2005 3:36 pm

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's

Jaeger · Post by **Jaeger** » Tue Jan 24, 2006 2:43 pm

I RESURRECT THEE, MASTER CHUCK!!!

YOUNG CHUCK NORRIS

too bad he's never cried.

--Jaeger

SidVicious · Post by **SidVicious** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 5:25 pm

i'm sad to tell you all, but it appears that chuck norris is dead.

the link is broken for some reason.... but here is the text of the article that is reporting:

Chuck Norris Passes Away

A 65 year old Chuck Norris passed away today

SAN FRANCISCO, California (AP) -- Chuck Norris passed away today from a massive heart attack.

Chuck Norris, at the age of 65, passed away from a massive heart attack. He was at his home working out on his Total Gym, having sex with his wife, fighting three ninjas, and playing with his kids when he suddenly complained that a train was running over his heart. The autopsy shows that Chuck Norris did not have a heart, nor was he even human.

lifeon2 · Post by **lifeon2** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 9:24 pm

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

SidVicious · Post by **SidVicious** » Thu Jan 26, 2006 3:57 am

lifeon2 wrote:Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

that has got to be my favorite one.

RevSin · Post by **RevSin** » Thu Jan 26, 2006 1:50 pm

Chuck Norris once round house kicked the down symdrome out of a 13 year old boy.

lifeon2 · Post by **lifeon2** » Mon Feb 06, 2006 10:17 am

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket

badi · Post by **badi** » Mon Feb 06, 2006 1:50 pm

Chuck Norris was the first astronaut to ever set foot on planet mars. That's why scientists can't find any living creatures there.

Guys, I have to tell you that Chuck Norris jokes have become a worldwide phenomenon now. The DJs at 5fm, a nationwide south african radio station, are telling chuck-jokes all day long.

And SABC 3, the best public TV station, just happily announced the re-screening of a bundle of Chuck's movies, calling it the "Chuck fest". While this truly is a cheap move, it somehow struck a cord in me. Don't know why ...

Post by **DerGolgo** » Tue Feb 07, 2006 9:47 am

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

And more goodies are here:
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/index.html

bullfrog · Post by **bullfrog** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 2:44 am

When Chuck Norris drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

http://www.wimp.com/norris/

919 · Post by **919** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 9:40 pm

I stopped watching SNL when the newest cast came on and I stopped laughing.

But that was funny.

Delphia · Post by **Delphia** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 3:46 am

When Chuck Norris jumps in the ocean, Chuck Norris doesnt get wet, the water gets chucked!

Theres also alot about Vin Deisel and Mr T...

Vin Diesel invented the hammer after he got sick of pounding nails into things with his face.

Mr T once doused himself in petrol and tried to set himself on fire but the petrol refused to ignite because it was scared. Mr T pittied the fuel.

bullfrog · Post by **bullfrog** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 7:00 am

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Jaeger · Post by **Jaeger** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 7:48 am

This is the thread that won't stay dead.

It's the undead thread.

It was killed and resurrected by Chuck Norris.

--Jaeger

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"Interesting Facts about Chuck Norris"

"Interesting Facts about Chuck Norris"

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