Hanging with the 'Rents'

absent_carlo · Post by **absent_carlo** » Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:38 pm

I'm kind of a shit son. Parents are divorced and but both have SO's, but I do a really bad job of "keeping up" or "connecting" with the mom and dad. I'm not one for the el telephone, I just suck at the "how was your day" kind of stuff over the phone.

Looking for any advice on the matter. My life is pretty busy, but I really have to give my parents the time. They are getting old and I don't want to have any regrets. This probably seems pretty lame, but my only ideas are going to a gun range with my dad, although he is a big golfer.

Just wondering the ootmick perspective is for this kind of stuff.

AC

xtian · Post by **xtian** » Sun Nov 27, 2011 2:54 pm

well, if you ask and if it helps, I didn't have a lot to share with my mother because she hated bikes, tattoos and heavy metal and hardly understood what my job was but the first time I went in my mother's apartment after she died, I had this feeling that there was a place where I could go any time at any moment and and I would ALWAYS feel that I was welcome and that she would ALWAYS enjoy to see me and she would hang up the phone saying "ok, have to go, my son's here" and try to feed me even if it would only be to ask me to do this do that fix this fix that take me there solve that for me.
parents die so yeah, save yourself an expensive therapy, just spend some random time with them, read the tv program while you tell them about your life and what gets you motivated and excited and they'll probably try to understand it and try to share that moment with you.

Sisyphus · Post by **Sisyphus** » Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:08 pm

I'll always regret not being closer to my dad as I think I should have been. We're close, but I think he could stand to be a little closer. His side of the family is pretty disparate when it comes to how they relate to each other. They basically don't. Thats how he explained it and he accepts it. So I don't think he expects my brothers and I to be any closer than we are to him. In a way I'm off the hook but I think it'd be better for us all if we were closer. On the other hand, it'll just hurt that much more when we all start to drop off.

So why bother.

On edit, I'm drinking right now, so...sorry.

Bigshankhank · Post by **Bigshankhank** » Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:28 pm

Any phone call, on any topic, will get the ball rolling. My family moved away from our extended Bunch, so growing up my dad always made it a point to call his mom back home every Sunday evening. Nothing much, ten minutes to give an accounting on what me and my siblings were up to and find out if there was any news of significance from anyone else. And lo and behold here I am now with a wife and kids living away from my parents and I do the same thing every Sunday evening. Granted it is easy for me because my family is a very openly affectionate one, but again all it takes is just calling to say hi and that you are still breathing.
Better yet, just tell them that you love them and hope they are well. See where the conversation goes from there, and don't think you are going to bridge any gaps right from the start so be prepared to take your time and keep it up until it becomes a habit.

guitargeek · Post by **guitargeek** » Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:40 pm

Smoke a joint with your parents.

MATPOC · Post by **MATPOC** » Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:24 pm

My dad is tough, nothing ever good enough for him, except my son. He loves him more than he ever showed me, but then again he was 24 when I was born and now he's 60+, can't imagine having a kid at 24 and not fucking it up.

Having a kid put us all closer, still I don't talk to either of them much, my dad 1500 miles south of here in Florida or mom 45 minutes north of there. Dad calls on Skype almost every day to talk to grandson, mom visits, life goes on. Before my son we all hardly ever spoke, I'm not good at keeping up with people.

rolly · Post by **rolly** » Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:42 pm

I wouldn't worry too much about finding an activity that you can bond over (though good for you if there is one). Just drop by for dinner/tea/beer, try to make it a regular habit. Ask them about what they've been up to, tell them what you've been up to, mundane stuff. Really, it sounds totally banal but this talking about the weather or whatever bullshit is what it's all about, not the deep heartfelt opening of the soul stuff, that only happens on tv.
I wish I had spent more time with my mom. I'm sort of estranged from my dad, I suppose I should try to have a relationship with him as his days have got to be numbered now too. I guess we're in the same boat there.

piccini9 · Post by **piccini9** » Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:46 pm

I wish I had something helpful to add.
My Dad doesn't listen, and my Mom has no idea what I'm talking about. They're nice people, they just aren't from the same planet as me.

smashinator · Post by **smashinator** » Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:11 pm

Unless there's some bad blood there, just talk to them. Talk to your dad about cars and beer. Talk to you mom about cars and beer, if you have to. It's OK, they're your parents. Eventually you'll get comfortable talking to them.

Actually, your parents are probably the only people you'll ever meet where you can talk endlessly about yourself and get away with it. They have a deep and personal interest in your bullshit.

This is, of course, assuming there's no bad blood. If there is, you've got to figure out if it's something you can forgive and if you really want to be in touch, or if you're just getting guilt from the forgiveness police.

There are parents out there who absolutely deserve to never see their kids again, and the forgiveness police are just making themselves comfortable. They don't give a hoot about the person they're urging to "forgive and forget."

But, assuming your parents are cool overall, and you just don't talk much... Just call and bullshit with them. Go over for dinner if you can. I can almost guarantee your dad is interested in how your bike is running, and your mom wants to know what's going on with your job - even if you think that shit is boring.

MoraleHazard · Post by **MoraleHazard** » Mon Nov 28, 2011 4:36 am

I'd say, give a call and listen for bit. You don't have to do much talking. Let them talk. Unless it's patently untrue, tell them you love them.

I hate meaningless phone conversations too, so I have my twice a week 5 minute call w/ my mom. Just a "how ya doin?" type of call.

First one is the hardest though.

Post by **DerGolgo** » Mon Nov 28, 2011 5:27 am

I try to visit my parenty every coupld of weeks or so for lunch, my mother tries to get me to come around twice weekly or so, it's usually between every week and every other week.
I'm the only one of three kids living close enough for short visits.
News is exchanged at such occasiocns, I'm more or less in the piciture as to what they are up to. Plus home cooking.
I works, I recommend it.

Zer0 · Post by **Zer0** » Tue Nov 29, 2011 10:42 am

Talking on the phone isn't my thing either. So I sugggest these two:

1) Go and visit them; going over for a visit doesn't have to have an agenda. Just go over to simply kkick off your shoes, rummage through their pantry, pick up shit that's laying around that they don't notice because they live there. Fix something. Change the oil in a car. Figure oout where that noise is coming from in the fridge. Clean out the calcium deposits in that faucet that sprays water alll wiggy. Help with Xmas lights/decorations. Or just go and be. I feel my best if I'm jjust around my wife and boys--even if I'm messing in the ggarage, and the boys are tinkering with tools somewhere else in the garage. As a parent, their simple presence is powerfully therapeutic--and meaningful. My mom likes if I just sit and watch Andy Griffith with her.

2) Write them a lettter. Not an email, but a letter. About anythhing or nothing. Take as long as you need. They'll read it over and over. And they'll probably keep it and come back to it.

You're a good person for thinking about this.

Toonce(s) · Post by **Toonce(s)** » Tue Nov 29, 2011 10:48 am

Idealist me (who I think is dead, or in a coma) says make many hallmark moments with the rents.
Jaded me says 'meh'.

goose · Post by **goose** » Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:12 pm

30 years since my father died and 20 since my mother passed. I'd give anything for a ten minute conversation about the weather with either of them.

absent_carlo · Post by **absent_carlo** » Sat Dec 03, 2011 11:13 am

Sisyphus wrote:On edit, I'm drinking right now, so...sorry.

I barely remember posting this so no worries

and thanks for the great advice.

absent_carlo · Post by **absent_carlo** » Sat Dec 03, 2011 11:16 am

GG - That is a great idea. I'll try to find some what we call 'commercial' because KB kicks my butt too much.

absent_carlo · Post by **absent_carlo** » Sat Dec 03, 2011 11:23 am

You guys are all awesome and thanks for the advice. Seriously.

And if you find yourself in Minneapolis and need a place to crash, let me know and I will treat you to rock-approved-tiki-drinks or whatever.

Rolly - I think me and Doug are heading to Nova Scotia in the summer and may stop by and buy you beers. FYI

rolly · Post by **rolly** » Sat Dec 03, 2011 12:27 pm

Sheesh, everyone's going to Nova Scotia these days. Except me, I might want to rectify that. Keep me posted, yeah? Depending on how things go I might not be living here anymore by summer, but I have firm plans, or even soft plans, sort of vapourous inklings is what I have.

Zer0 · Post by **Zer0** » Sun Dec 04, 2011 8:51 am

Plans? Inklings? Leading you to where -- vaguely?

rolly · Post by **rolly** » Sun Dec 04, 2011 9:53 am

Zer0 wrote:Plans? Inklings? Leading you to where -- vaguely?

This may at some point deserve it's own thread but it's a bit too nebulous yet. It does have a tenuous connection to this topic though.

My mother passed a while ago, and my brothers and I are going to sell her house. Now I could take my portion of the legacy and do something boring with it like put it into a home of my own, or I could perhaps use it to back some homeless motovagabondery. There are other things I could do too, nothing is decided yet.

*That was supposed to say NO firm plans up there, in case anyone took it literally. I rite gud on interat!

Sisyphus · Post by **Sisyphus** » Sun Dec 04, 2011 2:11 pm

I like Nova Scotia. I actually have friends there.

calamari kid · Post by **calamari kid** » Sun Dec 04, 2011 4:52 pm

Rev wrote:
There is a statue of him there, and I recently threatened to take it back with a small band of mercenaries. Take the town back, not the statue. I don't need another bronze statue of a distant relation.

That sounds like fun. Be sure to shoot me a pm when you're getting the team together.

rolly · Post by **rolly** » Sun Dec 04, 2011 5:14 pm

Rev wrote:
Sisyphus wrote:I like Nova Scotia. I actually have friends there.
Rolly may have been alluding to this above, but I recently learned that my great-something-great grandfather founded Yarmouth, NS they just had a big anniversary of that.

There is a statue of him there, and I recently threatened to take it back with a small band of mercenaries. Take the town back, not the statue. I don't need another bronze statue of a distant relation.

For a second there I got excited. I have experience in the field of statue liberation, as it happens. Alas.

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Hanging with the 'Rents'

Hanging with the 'Rents'